The Ministry of Defence has no defence when it loses 659 laptops

July 21, 2008

whats that? Top secret information on a laptop? Lost it. Left it at Ealing station.

HELP!! Get writing it now. Write it on your roof in big chalk letters so when the rescue helicopters come to look for survivors, you may stand a chance of being spotted. You need to act now because you are not going to be protected by the Ministry of Defence. The ineptitude that emanates from this governmental department is such that it manages to make the BBC look like the head prefect. Taketheblame doesn’t quite know how to tell its loyal readers of the sheer reckless abandon that has infiltrated the guardians of our national defences, but we can say that ineptitude is rife.

How important is the MoD? What is its actual purpose?

Since the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War the MoD does not foresee any short-term conventional military threat; rather, it has identified weapons of mass destruction, international terrorism, and failed and failing states as the overriding threats to the UK’s interests. The MoD also manages day to day running of the armed forces, contingency planning and defence procurement – sourced

Shit. This doesn’t bode well. That is a considerable amount of responsibility for one government department. It appears they have to deal with and intercept a vast array of information. Where can it possibly keep all of this top secret information? How about on laptops? Why yes! That sounds like a mighty fine idea. Keep all of the secret, sensitive knowledge on terrorism, failing states, raging dictators, weapons of mass destruction, escalating civil war, genocide, splinter cells, manic urban terrorists and failed angry politicians, all seeking to reek some revenge on our little isle, on laptops. And then lose them. Not just one or two. Not even tens on twenties but hundreds!

Since 2004 the MOD has lost 659 Laptops. 659. I don’t know anyone who has lost one. Employees of the MoD have managed to lose 659 of them. In just four years. How is that possible? Surely after the first 300 had gone missing somebody of reasonable intelligence – for there must be some working there – would have stepped forward and said something? Maybe something along the lines of…

Come on people, we have to stop losing laptops full of top secret information. I want you all to make the extra effort not to leave them in hotels, on trains, in taxis or at your girlfriend’s house. We have an important job to do protecting the country and allowing potentially harmful knowledge out into the public domain is not sensible.

No excuse in the book is good enough to get anywhere near explaining away this level of stupidity, this level of carelessness, this level of ineptitude. Its a laptop every 2.5 days! Every 2.5 days a laptop containing who knows what goes missing from Ministry of Defence hands. Where it ends up is any-body’s guess as only 32 have ever been recovered. They even tried to cover up this level of reckless stupidity by originally claiming only 374 (only!) had gone missing, only to have Defence Secretary Des Browne issue new figures after anomalies were found in the reporting process. Oh yes! It couldn’t be made up. If it wasn’t so dangerous it would be funny.

Seeing as zero people have come forward and apologised for this glaring ineptitude, Taketheblame is here to help out and offer its apologies to anyone affected by this outlandish fault in the way our country is protected and our forces managed. Lets hope no-one dies as a result.

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