Supermarket rage is all the rage – We take the blame™ for supermarkets

February 10, 2011

The supermarket. Barren wasteland of the surreal and inept; a breeding ground of agitation and reckless stupidity; of time wasting and time expansion, where one fleeting second can feel like the eternal stretch of existence. Such is the capacity for the human being to be inept in a supermarket – the same capacity can be found in regular shops in a diluted form, but it is when food shopping that the condition can be found in its pure, concentrate form – that books, films and art have been dedicated to the strange condition that overcomes people the moment they step through the doors and into a place that has committed no other crime other than to sell food.

What causes the condition is yet to be determined by scientists but what is sure is that it exists, and whats more, no-one ever apologises for it. The lady who insists on paying for her groceries with a mixture of old silver coins from the Battle of Waterloo and an assortment of gift certificates and coupons from an old copy of Vanity Fair makes your choice of queue so wrong that the invasion of Iraq seems like an enlightened flash of inspiration by comparison.

The battle-axe on till 7 who, the moment you arrive at her isle decides she is now going to close. “I’m closed”, she bellows at you, unprovoked and contagious, a look of panic etched on her face. She needs to escape the country before nightfall. You are then left to crawl your way back to the isle that you know the little lady from hell is currently holding up with her coupons. (coupons – the most evil word in the English language.) You wield your misfiring trolley past the crying baby and the little  children who insist on staring or mocking you and eventually it is your turn.

Your food has past its sell by date and all you want to do is kill. But you cant because line 7 is in deep conversation with line 8 about her tearaway daughter and the price of an apple that has fallen out of the bag and cant actually be brought as a single item, only as part of a multi-pack. Finally she mumbles at you and slowly pushes your items over the infra red with the speed of a 3 toed sloth high on anti depressants. Any slower and she may as well be hanging upside down from a tree herself, slowly munching on a bamboo stick. Ten days later and its time to pay but you only have notes, which can be clearly seen by the checkout staff who still insist on asking you if you have 23 pence in loose change as it would really make their life a whole lot easier if they didn’t have to count out the correct amount of change, even though there is a flashing light beaming the amount directly onto their iris. You say no and they spit green blood at you through their eyes. The floor of the supermarket tries to swallow you as you make your way to the exit, all the while monitored by the glazed eyes of the soulless victims that are currently dying in the queues.

Taketheblame would like to apologise and until scientists find the real cause, take the blame for all your supermarket ineptitude.

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One Response to Supermarket rage is all the rage – We take the blame™ for supermarkets

  1. Lauren K on March 6, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Ah yes, the supermarket…glad I finally have someone to blame for that!

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