Scientists prove the bleeding obvious – Nuclear explosions really are not good for you

February 11, 2011

At twenty three minutes past one on the morning of April 26th 1986 in a small Ukranian village by the name of Pripyat, all hell broke loose.  The ground literally welled up in a garguantuan fireball and the little red skinned, horned bastard himself said hello. An initial power surge in the main reactor which couldn’t be controlled is the official line most often cited as probable cause. During the first attempt to shepherd the original power surge, a bigger, more devious second spike laid waste to any hope of control; ruptured the concrete foundations and detonated the rustiest, most dilapadated piece of nuclear homemade kit ever assembled, skywards. Chernobyl was born.

The nuclear explosion sent a mushroom cloud billowing into the Ukrainian early morning and radiation was catapulted west. Europe was beckoning. Everyone knows that The Ukraine tried to conceal the explosion, or at least not broadcast it. Maybe they thought they really could ignore the glowing sheep, the acid rain and the thousand upon thousands of cancer deaths. But that is not why we are here today. We are not pointing the finger at this ineptitude.

Thanks to an in depth, expensive and lengthy scientific project involving a team of scientists from France, Norway and America, apparently birds in the immediate vicinity of Chernobyl have smaller than normal brains. They are lacking in brain capacity when compared to their fair-weather friends from California or Paris. Really? Really? Yeah, you think? You need a 10 year experiment to work that little gem out? Nuclear explosions make birds stupid?

History is littered with pointless experiments (more of which we will come to at a later date). How long this particular multinational experiment took, and the cost involved in sending teams of scientists gallivanting around the world with metal detectors and bird nets was not disclosed, suffice to say, it was considerably more than the $0 that would have been required to ask a 7 year old if nuclear explosions have a damaging effect on animals.

What else did the experiment, published in Plos one journal have to say? Well, the actual size of brain reduction is 5% and the effect was most pronounced in birds under 1 year of age. It doesn’t stop there, for the published answer as to why the nuclear birds happen to have a 5% smaller brain… Drum roll…. “It is unclear exactly what mechanism is shrinking the birds’ brains.” Nuclear. Explosion. Radiation. That’s our guess. We apologise for the waste of tax payers money on such insight.

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One Response to Scientists prove the bleeding obvious – Nuclear explosions really are not good for you

  1. brian on February 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Such a waste of money!!! nice style.

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