Valentine’s Day for single people

February 14, 2011

Today is Valentine’s Day. At which point, over half the population groan. Obviously the exact figures are impossible to deduce but it is widely believed that at any one point in time around 54% of the human species is single and, well, hoping that February 15th can’t come a day too soon. And what of this lost majority that, year in year out, has to suffer the ignominy of not being able to participate in one of the biggest spending days of the year? This is not cynicism; we are not here to ridicule the happily connected. We are all for love and romance. Let them eat cake. This is just solidarity for the single people who will be spending the night watching Die Hard with the boys, or indeed, Love Actually with the girls. For eveybody who will be spending tonight alone, we are sorry and we take the blame.

Who originally started the love-in is open to debate but most indication points to a couple of early Christian martyrs, and one in-particular. During the reign of Emperor Claudius 2, around 240 a.d, Rome was getting it’s bloody hands dirty fighting battles with anyone who was willing to have ago and a good few who weren’t. During a particularly fiery time the Roman garrisons started to dwindle in numbers and canny Claudius put the diminishing inscription down to men wanting to stay at home with their wives and families (and nothing to do with them all being butchered on the battlefield. Hindsight’s a bitch). So he promptly cancelled and outlawed all engagements. Valentine, being a romantic at heart, took offence to this and married people on the sly. Obviously he was discovered, brutally murdered and had his body parts scattered all over Rome. How sweet. The date? (Today, February 14th, if you’re not following).

Enough of the soppy stuff. History lesson over. If Valentine’s Day were a country, what country would it be? Well, it would be somewhere between Libya and Sudan. In 2010 the GDP of a medium sized dictatorship was jettisoned overboard in search of sex romantic fulfillment. That’s $78 billion, or $200 for every person in the world. But this is nice; this is not a bad thing. Better $78 billion spent on chocolates and roses than oppression, civil war and gun trafficking. Romance is still alive and beating and making people happy and not a thing should stand in it’s path.

The problem – and that’s where we come in – is that so many people are excluded from the day. It would be like short people being excluded from Christmas or the blind from Easter (it’s ok, they can’t read this and there won’t be a braille version.) No other celebration excludes people on anything else but religious grounds. Halloween doesn’t actively pursue evil people at the expense of, smiley, bright ones. “You’re not allowed to participate in this day because your clothes are too colourful” is not the mantra. Lent doesn’t have a bias for fat people. Everyone is welcome to participate or abstain as they see fit. Valentines Day should be for everyone and it is for this, we take the blame.


People do inappropriate things for love. Sid killed Nancy in a hotel room, then himself with a heroin overdose. Burt Pugach had an affair, got dumped, hired some goons to throw acid in the face of the lady in question, went to prison for 14 years, got out and promptly married her. Lorenna Bobbit famously cut off her husbands man-hood with a carving knife and threw it in a corn field from a moving car 15 miles south of Memphis. Is this what you want? Don’t do anything crazy today, rest safe in the knowledge that we take the blame for your celibacy, tomorrow is another day, and you will save yourself $200.

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2 Responses to Valentine’s Day for single people

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by takingtheblame, takingtheblame. takingtheblame said: Valentine’s Day for single people « take the blame [...]

  2. The Laughing Man on February 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    ‘I thought what i’d do was, i’d pretend i was one of those deaf-mutes’

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