Taking the blame for the Flu – Not the common cold you big wimp.

March 6, 2011

The outbreak is coming....

There is what appears to be green, congealed spam oozing from your nose. Your lungs are trying to escape from your ribcage in a last ditch attempt to escape the imminent prison fire, only they are trying to abdicate through your throat, causing contractions and convulsions through your entire chest cavity. It hurts. And it burns. Your eyes are bruised from the inflamed sinus infection, exchanging your iris’s for small, neatly sharpened needles that make changing the direction you look a study in pain evasion. An army of army ants pound the inside of your head; rippling pain cascades outwards at every available moment. Your muscles ache, which is strange because the last time you went to the gym it was still cool to actually think going to the gym was trendy. And trendy was a word. Your core temperature is searing yet cold sweat glistens from every pore. You have the flu and nobody believes you. We would like to take the blame for it.

When it became acceptable to complain about the slightest discomfort, the merest inkling of a minute change in the operational system of your core, the way winter illness was viewed changed. Such is the propensity of people to moan, whinge, whimper and complain about ‘the flu’ they have, when all they really are suffering from is a lack of sleep and, at best, a mid-winter cold, has diluted the real flu virus to the boy who cried wolf. Nobody believes you when you have it, nobody cares when you have it and nobody really even knows what it is anymore.

A killer is what it is. The cold you are most probably suffering from, and the continued whining about it that we are suffering from, is a discomfort. The flu kills between 20 and 40 thousand people annually in the US alone and half a million world wide. Are you sure you have it? Its side effects are monstrous in their debilitation – bacterial pneumonia, dehydration, and worsening of chronic medical conditions, such as congestive heart failure, asthma, or diabetes – are all just the tip of the death dredging ice-berg. You have a cough.

So who is at fault? The real flu, not the cold often referred to as man flu which is just the softening of the male psyche, is a respiratory illness instigated by the evil influenza virus – not by chickens, pigs, cows, birds – which, having infiltrated your respiratory tract, goes on a self-replicating rampage, exponentially quadrupling itself. The virus rapes and murders your cells, one by one, each time it does so, releasing the angry hordes in more numerous battalions. Your body reacts by trying to turn itself inside out. See above.

We are here to take the blame on two fronts. For the times when you have the Flu and the times when you have to put up with the continued moaning of your friends, work colleagues and family members who insist they are dying from it when all they have is a cold.

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