Breaking Blame™ – Police blame cheese for false imprisonment; Chihuahua causes Terror alert and Lady Gaga splits from boyfriend.

May 15, 2011

Breaking blame from across the World (Wide Web)

Faster than a freight train on amphetamines, the daily blame game is careering down the tracks of the global news wires. This week has seen a mighty fine collection of do-gooders and evil-doers pointing the blame and taking the blame and here we collect some of the finest from over the Internet for your reading pleasure. First up we head Stateside and to New York where a dog, yes a dog, caused a terror alert.

Is this Bin-Ladens replacement?

19-year old Melvin Ruffin was on his way to court. He wasn’t a lawyer and he wasn’t going as a journalist. He was going because he had to answer a disorderly conduct citation. Whilst on route to the courthouse a fellow travellers chihuahua cocked its leg and urinated on his bag. Just why the dog in question felt inclined to empty its chihuahua shaped bladder all over Melvin Ruffins bag is something you will have to make up. Anyway. We digress. After having arrived at the courthouse with a stinking bag and an angry judge to contend with, he decided to stash it in a bush until after the performance. To cut a long story short; someone saw the bag, thought it was a bomb, called the police, the police came, the bomb squad came, they brought their cool little robots to diffuse the bag and…..hoopla. No bomb.

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Cheese has a lot to answer for. Amongst its misdemeanors you can now add criminal incarceration. At least if you are Sheriff Van Duncan of the Buncombe County Police who has blamed cheese for a false reading on a drugs test which led to the 4-day incarceration of a perfectly innocent man who did nothing more than eat some cheese burgers. “I blame the cheese“, is what he said, in a roundabout way.

This much cheese equates to 49 years in prison

Antonio Hernandez was stopped by police and a drugs test was carried out on a suspicious looking bag and its contents he had in the car. The drugs test flashed and beeped and did whatever else a drugs test does. Mr Hernandez was arrested. There are 2 things in this story which defy belief. The first is that the drugs test failed. There were no drugs. Nada. Nothing. Zip. what was in the bag is the other unbelievable thing; cheese, shrimp and tortilla and tamale dough. The detectives (and we use that term very very loosely) couldn’t tell the difference between shrimps and cocaine and an innocent man spent 4 days in prison. Goddamn cheese.

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Have you noticed the heat? Have you noticed that it doesn’t rain anymore? Its not just here, its everywhere. Rain has died. And the death of rain has brought about some problems. And that stinks. Like manure. Especially in Michigan where the lack of rain has delayed the farmers annual planting season and filled the air with the smell of shit. Such is the smell of the manure in the dry, sweltering air that residents have probably started wearing gas masks and blaming the weather.

“I’m getting blasted with manure, and I’ve got to breathe — you can’t even get away from the smell,” Forman said. “I’m not no city boy, (but) there’s something wrong.  This is getting ridiculous.”

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In our relationship blame game this week we have a major A-list mega celebrity and Sebastian Bach, the former singer of Skid Row. Lady Gaga, ladies and gentlemen. If her Twitter followers and Facebook friends formed an alliance and set their sights on sovereign status then they would become the 3rd biggest country in the world. Or something. It takes a lot of effort to keep 78 billion friends and one devoted boyfriend happy. She couldn’t and has split up with her boyfriend with two first names, Luc Carl. She revealed the news to her plethora of followers and devotees on the Graham Norton show. The poor bee blames her workload.

Lady Gaga has more friends than there are people in Germany.

Sebastian Bach on the other hand, has blamed Gossip for his break up with childhood sweetheart of one name, Maria.

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In the world of sports there is one German man who divides opinion more than anyone else. To some he is the worlds greatest ever racing driver, to others he is an arrogant bastard. To us, he is Michael Schumacher and he crashed into Vitaly Petrov’s Renault early in Sunday’s Turkish Grand Prix. Now back in the day, before he (some might say), foolishly came out of retirement, when an incident happened he was rarely heard taking the blame for anything. He was a cold, calculating winning machine who did what was necessary to win. Now he has become shit matured he is much more open to blaming himself. Taking the blame. We like it. He has only gone and taken the blame for the crash in the Turkey grand prix.

“I am not very happy with my weekend, but I’m responsible myself for the result,” Schumacher said. “The incident with Petrov kind of dictated my race. We were very close and I was surprised that we touched but it was mostly my mistake.”

You might want to punch him in the face but he is taking the blame



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One Response to Breaking Blame™ – Police blame cheese for false imprisonment; Chihuahua causes Terror alert and Lady Gaga splits from boyfriend.

  1. Neil killion on May 16, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Love your work! Yes someone must always be blamed. I remember I was at a bar and the drug squad comes in with sniffer dogs. One comes up to me and I think it’s being friendly……but no, turns out some coins in my pocket smelled funny to the dog. I kept my cool and everyone else had a good laugh…..but they let me go. Moral is…….keep your cool!

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