We Take the Blame™ for people who talk and use mobile phones whilst at the cinema

May 29, 2011

These films and thousands more are ruined every day by people who insist on talking

Forget reality television being a mirror on society, it was never true and certainly never will be. It is a micro-cosom of the biggest mistakes that society has created, all together, in one place, being tools. No, if you want a real mirror on society then head to the cinema this weekend.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they behave in a cinema. Most people are just happy to be there, sitting with friends watching the imaginary world go by. They don’t want to cause a fuss, they don’t want to get into trouble, they want to abide by the rules and leave in one piece. This is like society. Most people are just happy to be there. They go to work, they pay their bills, they do what they are told and they understand the meaning of US, not just I. They are happy to survive the day. Then there are the arrogant, self obsessed pieces of shit who think that the world was created for them. They have no idea of what is right and wrong, what is decent and what should be done. They tumble arrogantly through life telling people stories they don’t want to hear, throwing their weight into places it shouldnt be and generally being grotesque excuses for human beings. And sometimes these people go to the cinema and ruin the experience for everybody else. And for this we are sorry.

The credits roll slowly off screen. Silence envelops the cinema. Then it begins. The slow, hushed whispering directly behind you. The film is barely 5 seconds old, how can there possibly be any explaining to do already? Some people are intellectually challenged and cant wait to find out what happens in the film, instead they ask for continued narration from those around them. Usually these people stay at home and talk aimlessly at the wall but occasionally they escape the shackles and enter society. And talk through films.

Then there are the aggressive work talkers who insist on bending the ear of their companions in a mindless tirade about something or somebody at work. Why did these people even bother coming to the cinema and why, on arriving, did they insist on sitting directly behind you? Are these repellent cockroaches so ethereal that they really believe that the audience doesn’t really want to watch Jack Nicolson and would rather listen to them? Of course they do.

People have forgotten that the cinema is actually an artform. Stop talking, we are watching a film!

But nowadays there is a new menace lurking in the aisles of your local cineplex. A new weapon of mass distraction that is not hidden beneath the sand but shamelessly flaunts its bright, illuminating wares all over the darkened cinematic aisles. The mobile phone is destroying the cinema experience for a plethora of cinema goers all over the world. Some people have become so attached to their handsets that the very idea of spending 2 hours without looking at its screen causes blood to ooze from the ears and milk to cascade through the eyes. The result is mass light shows during huge swaths of the film.

Perhaps mobile free zones could be incorporated into the cinema going experience. Leave your phone at the door. Or light sensitive lasers could be mounted on the back of seats that zap any illumination above 10 watts after the film has begun and sends 5oo volts into the seat of the guilty party. That would soon put an end to proceedings.

We would like to Take the Blame™ for anybody and everybody who has had a film ruined by the arrogant dregs of society who insist on going to a place where people don’t talk; and talk. We would like to say sorry for every time your attention has been taken from a poignant cinematic moment by the moronic bacteria sitting 4 seat to your left who has suddenly felt the need to turn on their 200 watt mobile phone screen lighting up the darkened room like Blackpool at Christmas. We would like to take the blame™ so you can go to the cinema and do what you are supposed to do at the cinema; watch a goddamn film. Not talk, not play on facebook on your phone. Watch a fim.

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2 Responses to We Take the Blame™ for people who talk and use mobile phones whilst at the cinema

  1. zozodelespace on May 30, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I don’t see the link with Munch’s painting..

    • thechef on May 30, 2011 at 11:11 am

      The Munch painting is called “Scream” we believe. Cinema + little shits on phones = a nightmare. Makes you want to scream.

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