American puts fireworks in a coffee grinder 600 years after the Chinese invent them. Inevitable explosions follow.

July 12, 2011

Back in the 7th Century, when the Chinese were harassed by evil spirits, dastardly ghosts and were afflicted by all things spooky and without explanation, they blew the hell out of them with the precursor to what we know today as fireworks. In reality they were probably little more than bamboo firecrackers that made a loud bang, but they did the trick. No more evil spirits and China now sits on the edge of World domination. Coincidence? Probably not.

The Chinese did for fireworks what the French did for cheese. And neither of them belong in coffee machines

Initially the “devil sticks”, as they were probably known by the local busybodies, caused little of a stir outside of the Occult. That is until some Chinese military men put one and two together and started blowing people up. By the 14th century the Chinese had a missile weapons system that would make the feeble arsenals of many-a-crackpot modern day dictator green with envy. Whilst Guy Fawkes’s parents were little more than an embryo, the Chinese were rocking the gunpowder and firework plot for all it was worth. What were they packing? According to the Huolongjing, a Chinese book of war which was written during the Ming dynasty (1368-1649) and roughly translated in English as Firedrake Manual - or the worlds first online bomb making guide – it was a fucking firestorm.

There are descriptions of magic gunpowder and poison gunpowder, because for the Ming, gunpowder alone wasn’t enough, it needed extra poison just in case there were survivors. Not enough? What about blinding and burning gunpowder? False advertising on this one as, well, isn’t that what gunpowder does anyway? Ming was all powerful, all conquering and needed a back catalogue of weapons for when the fleeing peasants were just too damn resistant. Enter the Dragon. Shrapnal bombs, cast iron grenade bombs and the mandatory poison bombs all get an outing in 14th century Ming China. Bit of invention? what about some fire arrows; a simple arrow with a fused gunpowder explosive attached which would ignite on impact. This groovy little invention was quickly modified into a two-tier rocket launcher. The Chinese had two-tier booster rockets which would split mid-trajectory firing a smaller more damaging wave of smaller arrows, increasing pain over greater distance. Carpet bombing for the Chinese is so crass and old-fashioned. The Huolongjing is not finished there. Landmines, flame throwers, cannonballs, naval-mines, multi-directional canons. The Chinese had weapons of mas destruction 600 years before Saddam.

So the Chinese Ming got all of this from a pretty little firework. What about stateside? Fast forward 600 years to modern day Colorado. Durango, Colorado. Enter Sean Michael Odgen, no dragon. He put fireworks into a coffee grinder in a lame attempt to make a bigger firework. The ensuing blast shook the neighbours house and left Mr. Odgen with some serious burns. And this is why The Chinese will de-throne America; because whilst the Chinese took the little firework and created the worlds most advanced, deadly and yet beautiful military machine ever assembled, the Americans put them in a coffee grinder.

Put fireworks in here if you are inept.

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