Operating on yourself continues to frustrate patients – man tries to take out hernia himself. Whilst conscious. With a butter knife.

July 27, 2011

DIY operations. We take the blame.

Self medication is seeping through the weak fabric of society quicker than a budgie in a gas mine as an ever increasing number of imbecilic, senseless, witless – or just plain insane - medical junkies get tired of waiting and take matters into their own hands, bring out the chopping boards and get fruity with their own body parts. And you know what? Time after cringing, pain inducing, hide behind your hands, DIY operational, time, these botched medical procedures don’t work out in exactly the same way they were conceived. Ineptitude is a boundless quarry of gratuitous donations. Pain in your chest? Bring out the butter knife.

Ah yes, California, home of the bedroom doctor and our port of call today as a 67-year old man tries to take out his own hernia with a butter knife. Good start, he obviously paid attention in medical school; use a blunt knife to cut out your own insides. Butter knife? what, you don’t have a pencil sharpener? Hey, use a spoon. Scoop it out.

Paramedics were called to the house of a, as yet unnamed, Californian man by his wife after she walked in on him trying to eradicate his body of a hernia which had been causing high levels of discomfort and annoyance for some time. On arriving at the scene the paramedics were met with a failed operation and a possible candidate for the crazy house. In defence of the patient, he had “removed the butter knife himself“, according to sergeant Tom Lorenz of Glendale police. That, one guesses, is quite a feet in itself; you try taking a 6-inch butter knife out of your own chest midway through a failed hernia operation when you are the doctor, surgeon and nurse in your own your little hospital.

Take The Blame™ is no doctor – hell, it doesn’t even subscribe painkillers for botulism – but it has a sense of severity that justifies the insurance fee alone. What is a hernia? Just so you know what this cootie was up to. Drawing a blank on medical terminology, it is essentially when the inside of an organ has had enough of its immediate surroundings and tries to head west, chase the American Dream, quit, drop out and get a new job in the cushy, moist netherspace between the stomach and the highly oxygenated outside world.*

* or something.

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2 Responses to Operating on yourself continues to frustrate patients – man tries to take out hernia himself. Whilst conscious. With a butter knife.

  1. zobop republic on July 28, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    A butter knife can’t cut into anything. How could he use something that has no jagged edge?

  2. thechef on July 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    erm…. because he was inept? Deluded? Insane? moronic? The list is as long as our thesaurus will allow….

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