Kim jung un and the battle for the Samoan Skies. And Goose liver.

April 2, 2013

The week began with the French closing down the Eiffel Tower and ended with Samoan Air charging fat people more to fly. Crushed in amongst it like a skinny European flying coach class to the South Pacific tropical paradise with an epidemic of obesity and an apparent obsession for palm oil and French fries was the North Korean version of Dallas, only instead of fat Texans and oil, the bargaining chips are nuclear bombs and Cold War rhetoric.

How much for a round trip on samoan air?

Kin Jong un, perhaps egged on by his army of megalomaniac advisors, perhaps spurred on by his recent basketball game with Dennis Rodman, perhaps just because he is an out of control teenager with too much western Redbull and Ritlin flowing through his North Korean veins, has been playing peninsula war games with his southern neighbours. US politicians are considering sending the Chicago Bulls and The LA lakers over to Pyongyang to play an exhibition game in an attempt to quell the rising tide. One presumes Kim Jung un will be offered the point guard position and Michaels Jordan and Cooper will be drafted out of retirement for one last hurrah and a 3-pointer to end the nuclear stand-off. The clock is ticking and there is all to play for as the fourth quarter tick tocks ever closer.

This is the first idea, the second is continued diplomacy, which is like trying to talk a sloth with a prozac addiction out of a tree. Michael Jordan is the only hope for a peaceful end to this torrent of nuclear insanity.

But the Samoans are out of range, if not geographically, at least politically. North Korea could test drive their medium distance FUK2 rockets on the Pacific Island, but has probably never heard of the place. It’s not Hawaii and that is the only island the Koreans are interested in. Which means escaping on the next plane out of sunny Apia in a desperate bid to avoid the initial fireball can be postponed whilst the islanders hit the gym to run off some of those Christmas pounds and puddings. Because they like puddings in Samoa. And as Chris Langton of Air Samoa told the ABC, “Planes don’t run on seats, they run on weight…” Of course any science student knows this is a pack of filthy lies and planes run on Kerosene, or at least some other wonderful derivative of oil refinery magic.

With this demented wisdom bouncing around their empty brains like marbles in a toychest, Air Samoa have backed a price hike that sells plane tickets at a per kilo price, a bit like Foie Gras in a Parisian backstreet. If you want the good stuff then it’s going to cost you 4 dollars a kilo and you can’t even pick up low grade goose liver for that. Gold ships out at 1500 dollars a Kilo, so the Samoans are  not the most expensive commodity based solely on weight. Uranium varies on cleanliness but you can’t get much change out of a 200 dollar bill, which makes you wonder what all the fuss is about. Goose fat in Paris costs more per kilo that North Korean Uranium, but it is still more than a first class ticket out of Samoa in these crazy days.

Speaking for us all Mr Langton went on to say that “anyone who travels at times has felt they have been paying for half of the passenger next to them.” One imagines that is the reason that, “there are no extra fees in terms of excess baggage or anything, a kilo is a kilo is a kilo.”

The future of ticket pricing is going to be based on the fat index. The bigger you are the higher you pay. Place is a premium on the sky planes of the world and I am flying to Paris to pick up some goose liver.

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