Once upon a time curiosity may well have killed the cat, but that time has long passed and curiosity won’t get you any closer to the promised land when you are a feline in the cybertronic age. Indeed the 4-footed present from long dead alien cultures are now pitting their paws against the spreading fat cats of China. And it would appear they are winning. Admittedly they are having to put themselves in Chinese cat stew to accomplish their mission, but that is just a footnote.
The fat cat in question is Chinese billionaire Long Liyuan who died on the 23rd December in Guandong Province after he himself ate a cat. As with anything in China, the news does not leave the country with feline speed but more details are slowly coming to light. Mr Liyuan made his mega fortune in forests. Now, judging by the cost of Christmas trees, it is quite easy to see how such a fortune could be amassed, but since the Chinese don’t celebrate Christmas or, indeed the trees that frequent this most unholy of holy celebrations, how do you make a billion from a tree? Ship them around the world stuffed with cocaine in an elaborate bark-coated smuggling organisation? Who knows? And one supposes we never will as Mr Liyuan is now lying in a box made of trees. How ironic.
What really happened to Long Liyuan is being investigated by Chinese police in Quandong Province and although there was a cat involved, the story is much more fishy. It would appear that Long Liyuan was having dinner with Huang Guang when he, one imagines, went a bit red in the cheeks, fell dizzy and took himself off to hospital where he promptly died of heart failure. He had fallen prey to the poison that Huang Guang had allegedly slipped into the local cat delicacy they were eating.
Huang Guang, an agricultural official, was advising Mr Liyuan on a lease that he was seeking to take out on a piece of forest in the province, when things turned sinister in a way that would have had Miss Marpel and Poirot fighting over the deduction process.
Chinese fat cat is killed by cat
The plot, like the stew at the heart of it, thickens with some sleuth like detective work. It turns out that Long Liyuan was no saint himself, using Huang Guang to get planning permission in exchange for bribes amounting to anywhere between 0 and 400,000 US dollars. Meanwhile Huang was running up debts elsewhere and hit Long up for some more funds. When a project they were working on together began to stall the two parties showed their true colours with Long threatening to expose Huang. At some point in the whole murky timeline, Huang decided to Kill Long.
According to reports the two men, along with a third interested party, were eating at a local restaurant when Huang Guang excused himself from the table, slipped into the kitchen and sent the chef on a decoy errand and slipped the local suicide plant Gelsemium Elegans into the bubbling pot. A pot he himself was set to eat from. On returning to the table he commented that the food tasted a bit unusual (cat?) and pushed his plate aside. Mr Liyuan wolfed his down with deathly consequences. The cat got his tongue.
Lets play a small game of spot the difference.
One of these is an extremly rare Bengali Tiger. There are 200 left in the wild. The other is a stuffed toy won at a fairground. Can you tell which is which?
How did you do? Did you manage to decipher the code? If you are unsure, the animal on the right of this picture is a Bengali White Tiger. Perhaps you can notice the sharp teeth, the killer look in the eye, the huge clawed feet sporting 9-inch dagger sharp claws or the monumental size of this beautiful, streamlined, killing machine. Or, perhaps, you can just see the picture on the left is a stuffed replica. So if we can tell the difference, why cant the Hampshire establishment?
Saturday Afternoon and the only sound in the air is that of cricket bat on cricket ball in the green fields of Hampshire, southern England. That and the guttural, Indian growl of the Siberian White Tiger as it prowls the hedgerows in search of prey. At least this is what one local resident thought was happening when they noticed the 3-metre Panthera tigris stalking the bushes in this otherwise peaceful part of the world. Paralysed with fear their only hope of survival was Ray Mears or the local constabulary. Not being able to contact the former they opted for the latter and before long the deep, chopping, wooshing sound of a helicopter was heard overhead.
The Hampshire Bengali Helicopter Search and Rescue operation
Unfortunately our good Samaritan had confused a stuffed teddy bear for the real thing which is why the thermal imaging cameras that were housed in the helicopter did not pick up any heat emitting from the bushes. As the helicopter dipped and rose, Ride of The Valkyries no doubt pounding from the door speakers, the infra red showed no sign of the Indian beast.
As this scene from Apocalypse Now was unfolding over a field, nearby word had got out and the locals were running scared. A tiger was on the loose and cover needed to be found. Golfers at a nearby club left the fairway and a cricket match at the Rose Bowl was delayed. The local zoo was contacted and expects were soon loaded up with tranquilizer guns.
Then the helicopter downdraft caused a movement in the bushes below. On closer inspection the culprit was discovered. A teddy bear. We would like to take the blame for the loss of tax payers money on such inept confusion.
A 21-year old student of ineptitude has been arrested in St. Petersburg for freeing up to 10 birds from a cage. The problem? The birds were in the cage because their wings were injured and so flying was, if not impossible, painful and difficult at best. Also, as the man was a student of ineptitude, he filmed himself doing it, addressed the camera by his own name and then posted the video on YouTube (you can see the video below).
After freeing the birds, perhaps in a bid to gain access to the upper echelons of the World Wildlife Fund and carve a career as a fighter for animal rights, Blake Richard Reide was arrested by local police after they had been informed of his actions by a concerned ornithologist who had seen the YouTube videos.
As the birds could not really fly, they were quickly rounded up and put back in their bird prisons. It is worth noting that not only did Mr. Reid release 10 injured birds, they were not your run of the mill sparrows and robbins. A bald eagle, two turkey vultures, a red tailed hawk, two red shouldered hawks and one barred owl were quickly captured, rolling on the ground nearby as their wings would not comply with the messages sent from their tiny bird sized brains. Unfortunately one of the birds was still reported missing as of last night and that was a red-shoulded hwak. It is sure to be seen harassing and pecking at young children in the coming days.
Want to see the video? It is long but you can fast forward to the ineptitude.
Everyone’s 5th or 6th favourite action hero from the 1990s – the one who was in that film… you know, the one with the naked Baywatch star who pops out of a cake…… What was his name? His did the splits over a kitchen counter. No that was Jean-Claude, or was it Dolf Lundgren… Wait. Steven Seagal, that’s it; Master Chef on an action film cooking binge on a train full of ex-KGB agents with a nuclear bomb set to detonate if Mr Seagal doesn’t kill them all quicker than he can chop a carrot and say “souffle” – has been blamed for killing a dog.
Late night films, those ones that start at 2am, are always better when this man turns up
The truth is that he probably didn’t but that isn’t what Jesus Sanchez Llovera believes and he wants a written apology for his kids and $50,000 from the star and the sheriffs office he believes are responsible for the unlawful killing.
For those that don’t know, which is probably not many, Steven Seagal has become a TV reality star in his own cop show, Steven Seagal: Lawman. The title just about explains all there is to know so we wont waste your time. In a recent episode of the show, Seagal and his team of lawmen, led by Joe Arpio and accompanied by the Maricopa County Deputies, raided the house of Mr Jesus Sanchez. What happened next is reality TV, cop show bullshit which we have all seen a billion times before, only this time, Mr Sanchez claims Seagal and his henchmen killed his puppy.
Did he? Well, according to David Trombi, a chief deputy for the Maricopa County sheriffs department, he didn’t. His exact words?
And as if you ever needed one. Right? Wrong. This story is no Finding Nemo or The Little Mermaid and as sure as the nuclear contamination coursing through the gills of the fish in the bay of Fukushima , Disney and Pixar will not be diving back into the deep blue sea for their next children’s blockbuster and basing it on this story of ineptitude. Mainly because the beginning and the end are pretty much the same thing, end in death and are about as happy as Bambi on an acid come down.
Out on a sailing trip with his brother Kenneth, Thomas Swindal, 53 years old and really the age of someone who should know better, saw something floating in the water. Normally, at least if you frequent the beautiful coastal beaches of The United Kingdom, if you see something floating in the water, the last place (or maybe penultimate place) you would want to put it is up your nose. But this isn’t Skegness, this is Miami, Florida, where the water runs clear as viper venom and the men who sail upon it think nothing of snorting strange white substances which could have fallen from the submerged cocaine hold of a Mexican drug sub, hitched a ride on the Miami current and bobbed right into their fishing net. Because Mexican is the new Colombian when it comes to cocaine. Only what Thomas Swindal, 53 (because, really, you should know better) white lined up his chevy chase wasn’t Al Pacino’s left overs, but something far worse.
Trade: Phenodihydrochloride Benzelex, Street: The embalmer
About 90 minutes after intoxication, the last remaining Swindal brother and the one who didn’t snort the mysterious white powder, reports that things took a turn for the Dead Calm, crazy man on a boat worse.
Such was his distress at his brothers bizarre behaviour Kenneth confiscated all the other sharp objects from the boat and tossed them overboard, along with the remaining white substance. Sadly, this was too little too late and Thomas Swindall later succumbed to his poison.
Take The Blame™ would like to advise you all, under no circumstances, snort strange looking substances you find floating in the open sea. Because it probably didnt get sterilised and hand wrapped by fair skinned virgins from the Galapagos islands. It probably came from here…..
Take your pick from mysterious white looking powder you shouldn't be snorting.
Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger did an incredible thing. A majestic, fabulous, brave, mesmerising and some might say, insane thing. He made a decision on January 15th 2009 that most probably saved the lives of 155 people. Along with the other crew members of US Airways Flight 1549, he landed a plane on the Hudson River. Quite a feat considering the plane had no engines and no air-breaks, weighed 1000 tonnes, didn’t float, wasn’t a boat and was full of screaming passengers. If ever an example was needed of the right man being in the right place at the right time, then this is it. No wonder it became known as the Miracle on The Hudson. Take a bow Mr. Sullenberger.
5655 tonnes but no match for the mighty Canadian Goose.
Six minutes after takeoff from New York LaGuardia Airport, en route to Charlotte Airport, North Carolina, Flight 1549 hit a flock of Canadian Geese. Geese are big and they make a real mess when they get sucked into the engines of commercial jet liners. So much of a mess that they clog the engines and on this day, resulted in an immediate loss of thrust in both engines. Shit. There must have been a lot of geese. According to reports the windscreen turned brown and loud thuds were heard to echo around the plane; smoke billowed from the now disabled engines and the acrid smell of burning fuel and bird feathers filled the aisles of Flight 1549. There was probably some other odours circulating at the time too.
The bird strike hit the engines at such an altitude to make emergency landings at nearby Teterboro Airport or a return to LaGuardia impossible; there simply wasn’t enough altitude to get there. As cool as a Russian winter, pilot Chesley Sullenberger ditched commands and headed for the River Hudson, downtown Manhattan. You want to know just how calm and cool and professional this man was? Have a listen to the actual flight recording below.
Luckily for the passengers of NY Flight 1549, pilot Sullenberger was very experienced, very calm and was a practised glider pilot to boot, which may explain how he managed to land a plane with no engines and no air-breaks on a river. Not only did he manage to land the plane but he also managed to land it in a place where there were no boats in the middle of the river but boats were close enough to aid rescue after the emergency landing. After successfully ditching the plane, he then remained on board, swept the aisles twice to make sure no passengers were left lingering in the near freezing water rapidly filling the plane, corrected his tie, combed his moustache and coolly walked out onto the wings to join the rest of the waiting plane refugees. Doves took flight in his honour.
Every man wants to be him; every woman wants to be with him.
Suffice to say, he is a hero. But not for geese. His heroics that day brought the very real danger of this menace of the skies to light. At any moment, is any plane taking off from New York LaGuardia Airport in danger of having its engines destroyed by flying geese? Perhaps so. Which is why New York is going to do something about it. Last summer saw attempts to gas the birds. Obviously this brought about some indignation from animal rights groups and people with common sense. Just why gassing is necessary is open to debate. So the gassing didn’t work, time for plan B. They are going to cook them. Why of course.
Your goose is well and truly cooked
Mass cull has been granted and any geese in the area will be captured and transported to facilities in Pennsylvania where they will be cooked, prepared for consumption and distributed to Pennsylvanian food banks. If they are being captured and transported, then why not just transport and release them, without the cooking part? We would like to take the blame™ for such unnecessary animal cooking and apologise to the geese whose only crime is flying.
The Latest sighting of Big foot causes even less of a stir than the previous
You would think that people would have stopped trying to convince the world that Bigfoot exists by now. Out of focus, grainy and badly filmed footage used to be mildly believable; now it is just grainy, out of focus footage which needs better editing. But no. The Bigfoot hoax is still alive and very much amongst us, as the latest footage to emerge from the natural Bigfoot habitat, America, shows. If you look really, really, really closely, don’t squint and concentrate all of your perceptive powers on the picture and the grainy, iPhone footage, you will clearly see that it is a superimposed man dressed in a gorilla outfit walking along a floor which isn’t even there.
The above footage was shot by a Washington woman whilst out (and we use this term very loosely) hiking with friends in the Downriver Park along the Spokane River. It is a novel take on the Bigfoot hoax video in so far as the hikers appear to not notice the superimposed man Bigfoot as he appears to walk across a floor and later put into the video swing through trees in the background.
There is so much wrong with the latest Bigfoot sighting the ineptitude is almost tangible. Hikers you say? Just how far from the beaten track does Bigfoot live these days? At least in the most famous footage of Bigfoot (where he iconically walks along the edge of a river) there is a hint of wilderness; the possibility of a believable habitat exists. Just maybe there really is an ancient man-like creature living wild in the Appalachian mountains, miles from civilisation. Here, the car-park is barely out of view. Maybe Bigfoot has become brave and doesn’t fear Man anymore. He has been trying to give himself up for nearly 50 years and is getting anxious to get some zoo time and so in a brazen attempt to be found he ventures into Washington car parks.
Hikers? They are not following a path. The boy has a gait and is holding his arms like a bored teenager who evidently doesn’t want to be there and was forced into it by pushy directors. He hasn’t entered into the spirit of things by even remotely trying to look like a hiker. He has jeans and a t-shirt on.
Famous Bigfoots throughout history
The Sasquatch, when he makes his grand appearance, appears to slide into the frame on a floor which isn’t there. Unless Bigfoot can actually levitate these days, something decidedly odd is Afoot. Whats he walking on? Is he swinging in a Tarzan-esque fashion? Is he harnessing the power of the forest to aide his silent movement through the forest canopy? Or is he a superimposed man?
Would it be really that difficult to at least make a semi-believeable hoax video of Bigfoot? We would like to highlight, not the idea, but the sheer ineptitude of what is a truely bad attempt at a Bigfoot hoax video.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you learnt anything in school during your science lessons, surely this simple yet accurate and effective state of affairs was it. Newtons Law of Motion and his 3rd law of Physics. He was a genius. You should listen to what he had to say. If one object pushes against another, the object receiving said push is not going to take this transfer of energy lying down and it is dam well going to push back. Put simply, its why you don’t fall through a wall when you lean on it. Its not so visible on Earth where we have things like gravity and friction continually fucking up science experiments but if you took this stage show to the moon and fired a cannon then the cannon would go backwards as far as the ball would go forwards. Sadly the moon landers were too busy playing golf and driving moon buggies around the Sea of Tranquility to do some real, Newton-esque experiments. So you will have to take our word for it.
The Mannar Islands might well have looked something like this; we don't know because they have sunk.
But how does this have anything to do with tropical islands sinking under the turquoise waves of the South Pacific? It doesn’t really, it was just a round about way of saying that if you dig a big fucking hole then something is going to have to fill that hole. This is what has happened in the beautiful, tranquil waters between India and Sri-Lanka in a very small region of islets that you have probably never heard of. The islands in the Gulf of Mannar Marine National Park are sinking into the Ocean. Islands are sinking into the Ocean! This is not something that happens on a daily basis, so what in the name of all that is scientific, is happening and who is to blame?
Fishermen. That’s who. Maybe. Until 2002 there was an almost complete lack of regulations governing the mining of the precious coral reefs which abound in the Gulf of Mannar, as a result the fishermen did what they did best and mined those coral beds dry. The Gulf of Mannar supports the lives and livelihoods of over 300,000 fishermen and the coral is their highest earner. Being extremely rich in calcium carbonate the coral is an immensely efficient binding material for concretes and is heavily used in the construction business. Some islands sank so you could build some houses. Newtons Law. Kill something, build something.
Some say it is home to the Lost City of Atlantis
The area is home to 21 island and 2 of them have sank beneath the waves. Poomarichan and Villanguchalli are names you will now only find in the history books. As well as the loss of 2 islands (as if that wasn’t enough), there is obviously a whole host of fish and animals that could follow suit, not to mention the coral itself which most people in the area cite as the sole reason the whole region wasn’t completely destroyed during the Boxing Day Tsunami of 2004. If the fisherman wont take the blame, then we will take the blame for the sinking Pacific islands of Poomarichan and Villanguchalli.
Fuck Blimey, it’s been a week already! In that time so much blame has fallen onto the Internet highway that it must be time to do a bit of digging and retrieve some of that delicious, mud slinging blame… mmmm
Sony. They used to make Walkmans, remember them? Technological icon. If your heart was beating during the 80′s and 90′s then two things are fundamentally clear; you were probably listening to shit music and you were probably listening to it through a Walkman. But then the Internet and Cd’s came along and raped the Walkman dry; time for a paradigm shift. Enter the PlayStation.
Ipods older, uglier, slower, retarded, inbred cousin
Unfortunately Sony has been so successful with its flagship gaming console that every game player in the universe uploaded all of their personal and financial details onto the online gaming network and then Sony lost it all in one of the biggest online identity theft mega crimes in the world. Unless you are blind and haven’t seen the news, essentially what happened is that someone or something caused all of the online information stored on the Sony gaming servers to be breached and a billion indiviuals’ bank and credit card numbers went public; Sony went offline; shares crumbled; Sony went into meltdown; someone has to be blamed. Well. Sony has shifted blame back onto the Anonymous hactivist group.
Ahhhh. Fat kids. We all laugh at them. They are funny. Fat is funny. But why are kids fat? Too much alpha bettie spaghetti? Not enough smoking? Maybe they should be forced to smoke 37 Marlboro reds a day, soon have the pounds tumbling. The obesity in children epidemic could be washed away with a mandatory daily intake of fat shedding smoke. Or not. According to a new study fat kids are the result of bottle feeding. You heard it here second folks. Milk makes you fat.
This is what could happen if you dont smoke
Piracy. It’s a crime. Apparently. We are not referring to Johnny Depps latest Pirate adventure (which is another crime. A crime against cinema) but to the Internet music and video kind. But who is to blame? The people who download or the people who make it available to download? Fuck knows. We don’t know and our copyright lawyers are about as much use as a 1-legged sheep dog; so we will leave that decision to the law makers Stateside. We might be close to an answer as CBS, which runs CNET and ZDNET, is being sued for copyright infringement. In a particularly unuseful analogy…….
Goats don’t make the headlines. Name a famous goat? You can’t, there aren’t any. Elephants have Dumbo, mice have Mickey, rats have Ratatouille, even pigs have Babe. Maybe that is why a West Virginian man went on a goat butchery paranoid trip after snorting too many “bath salts”. Yes, bath salts.
This is a goat. A psycho from Virginia killed it whilst wearing suspenders.
A psychopath from West Virginia put on suspenders, took off his trousers, went next door and killed his neighbours goat!!! crazy bastard. Apparently bath salts are to blame, not the psychos’ mental, paranoid personality.
“Ocean’s Eleven, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, Reservoir Dogs, Nick Leeson. Listen up. If you want to rob a bank, what you need to do is eat the f**king money. “ anon
Build your house on the beach and it will get washed away. Build your bank on a termite mound and the little blighters will eat all of the money you have piled inside. Common sense dictates this. Termites eat wood. Money is made from paper. Paper is made from wood. Lunch time for the local termite population. No bank is stupid enough to leave piles and piles of cold hard cash unguarded and unwatched except for the hungry eyes of 5 million termites. Are they?
For the customers of the Indian State Bank, Fatehpur branch in the Indian district of Barabanki, this is exactly what has happened. The bank has suffered the ignominy of having clients money digested by the wood munching insects. Reports are flowing from Indian of customers money being the main course in a termite buffet of hedonistic proportions.
How much money did the insect army get through? And did they leave a tip? The service in India is reputably very good. According to the bank, over the last few months the silent army of money munching assassins has chomped its way through 10 million Indian rupees. If you haven’t been to India, to put that into a currency you might understand, it equates to around $225,000 or £137,000.
Who is to blame for the calamitous piece of ineptitude? The Termites? State Bank of India Chief General Manager Abhay Singh told the Press Trust of India that,
“Action will be taken against those responsible in the matter”
Those responsible. Is that the termites? Could be. If they do decide the termites are to blame, what will be there punishment? No wood? In fairness, action has already been taken. The termites have been sent home early and the branch manager has been charged with “laxity”. Whatever that it. As for the customers money?
Hot Diggity, Hot dam. It’s that time of week again folks. Who would have thought it. As is the norm, the fingers are out and the blame game is in full effect. Most are accusations but amongst all of the slime and sin there is a smattering of self actualisation. Yes, the finger does indeed point both ways and when it does we will be there to leap on it like an injured zebra. We are the lion.
And in at number 5. Denise Grimsley, she’s a politician. Sits on a chair. Chairwoman. House Appropriations Committee. Its American politics. She blames the budget frustrations on the senate it says here.
And in at number 4, (and it probably should be at number 5) more politicians on the younger side of the Atlantic taking out and sharpening the claws and pointing blame at each other. This time we go right to the top. TO THE TOP we tell you. House speaker John Boehner blames the big man Obama for the soaring price of gas (petrol) on American soil. When asked who was to blame, what did he say to ABC News?
“They’re going to blame somebody, all right. And the fact is he has done nothing to help the situation,” oh yeah. He also goes on to the election campaign….
In at number 3 is a sport story. We all like to do sport. If we’re not fat. And even if we break the scales we can still go swimming or indulge in some arm chair sport fanaticism. In football, Arsene Wenger has shifted the blame onto his, well, shit defence. He didn’t quite put it so eloquently but you get the idea. If you don’t give to shakes of a rats tail about football, then jump to blame number 4.
Banging on the cold fridge door of number 2 a glaring bit of obvious. Apparently Easter falls on different dates (oddly enough, the poor easter bunny rabbits of Otago New Zealand dont care when it falls) and apparently the moon is to blame for the date being different. Really? Actually it is quite interesting. Have a gander.
And at number 1 and by no means any more or less important than the proceeding 4. We head down under, to the land of possums, kangaroos and boomerangs. Surfers Paradise, a paradise for surfers on the Australian East coast. The traders and restaurant keepers are getting annoyed with Christian evangelists who are preaching on Cavill Avenue and scaring of the paying patrons. They blame them for lost revenue and want action taken.
More Breaking Blame™ today as the news wires go completely berzerk with Blame. Fingers are pointing quicker than the price change of petroleum on the Trucking Info website. Tongues are wagging, the nails are out, the hair is being pulled; there is a bitch fight and mud is flying. So who is blaming who today?
12-year old mums you say? Whatever next? In Australia a girl of said age, living under state-care fell pregnant. Under state-care? 12? The state is not to blame according to Victorian Premier Ted Baillieu.
In India the planes are running but the pilots are being blamed for flying when they shouldn’t have been. The story is complicated but essentially 6 planes took off from Dabolim airport on Monday when the airports PAPI air safety system was turned off. What is a PAPI air safety system? Who knows, read the article below. From what we can gather, it is a landing aid which helps pilots land planes. Some fear inducing comments for those scared of flying follow.
Football is a game. Liverpool kicked balls at Manchester. Liverpool kicked more balls at Manchester. Manchester lost. Their manager Robertooooooo Mancini takes the blame.
I am disappointed with myself because I made a mistake. It was my fault
Kirstey Alley’s – the bar lady from Cheers – shoe fell of on a dancing television show. She blames Petra Nemcova in a weird dancing on ice conspiracy theory that Mulder from the X-files will most definitely be investigating.
Saving the best for last, the Big Guns are out. Donald Trump is going apeshape as he blames President Obama for the soaring cost of oil. He waxes lyrical about never being able to recover and Life blood of this country and in bed with these people and ripping off our country and when was the last time you saw a bridge being built in this country? He Blames Obama for his high petrol prices. And yours. Is he right?
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