Our ethos is simple, we are here to take the blame. Apparently we live in a blame culture; and in a blame culture there needs to be someone who you can turn to when there is nobody else who will shoulder your blame. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion, we are there for you. From the simple and the transparent – be it stubbing your toe or spilling your tea; waking up late for work or missing the bus – to the arduous, perplexing, intricate and convoluted – your dog died; you hate your boss; the IOC decided to oust you from your abode and build an Olympic sized Ice-rink in your back garden and erect an athletes village in your once pristine street-market turning a once thriving local community into a dull and bland advert for a hotch-potch amalgamation of too much glass, no class and student residents. We are there. Blame us.

Politics, science, philosophy, food, revolution, environment, education, celebrity, television, crime, animals, history, love, money, relationships, family, sport, technology, travel, war, weather, health, business, birthdays, parties, celebrations, drugs, employment, nature………….and breathe…………..cybercrime, nuclear energy, credit cards, pornography, computer games, graffitti, hollywood. Kitchen sink. There is blame.

If you have anything you want us to take the blame for. Tell us. Let us know. Post a link. Send a letter. And we will publish an apology, allowing you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the blame rests with us. Go on, don’t be shy.

At twenty three minutes past one on the morning of April 26th 1986 in a small Ukranian village by the name of Pripyat, all hell broke loose.  The ground literally welled up in a garguantuan fireball and the little red skinned, horned bastard himself said hello. An initial power surge in the main reactor which couldn’t be controlled is the official line most often cited as probable cause. During the first attempt to shepherd the original power surge, a bigger, more devious second spike laid waste to any hope of control; ruptured the concrete foundations and detonated the rustiest, most dilapadated piece of nuclear homemade kit ever assembled, skywards. Chernobyl was born.

The nuclear explosion sent a mushroom cloud billowing into the Ukrainian early morning and radiation was catapulted west. Europe was beckoning. Everyone knows that The Ukraine tried to conceal the explosion, or at least not broadcast it. Maybe they thought they really could ignore the glowing sheep, the acid rain and the thousand upon thousands of cancer deaths. But that is not why we are here today. We are not pointing the finger at this ineptitude.

Thanks to an in depth, expensive and lengthy scientific project involving a team of scientists from France, Norway and America, apparently birds in the immediate vicinity of Chernobyl have smaller than normal brains. They are lacking in brain capacity when compared to their fair-weather friends from California or Paris. Really? Really? Yeah, you think? You need a 10 year experiment to work that little gem out? Nuclear explosions make birds stupid?

History is littered with pointless experiments (more of which we will come to at a later date). How long this particular multinational experiment took, and the cost involved in sending teams of scientists gallivanting around the world with metal detectors and bird nets was not disclosed, suffice to say, it was considerably more than the $0 that would have been required to ask a 7 year old if nuclear explosions have a damaging effect on animals.

What else did the experiment, published in Plos one journal have to say? Well, the actual size of brain reduction is 5% and the effect was most pronounced in birds under 1 year of age. It doesn’t stop there, for the published answer as to why the nuclear birds happen to have a 5% smaller brain… Drum roll…. “It is unclear exactly what mechanism is shrinking the birds’ brains.” Nuclear. Explosion. Radiation. That’s our guess. We apologise for the waste of tax payers money on such insight.

whats that? Top secret information on a laptop? Lost it. Left it at Ealing station.

HELP!! Get writing it now. Write it on your roof in big chalk letters so when the rescue helicopters come to look for survivors, you may stand a chance of being spotted. You need to act now because you are not going to be protected by the Ministry of Defence. The ineptitude that emanates from this governmental department is such that it manages to make the BBC look like the head prefect. Taketheblame doesn’t quite know how to tell its loyal readers of the sheer reckless abandon that has infiltrated the guardians of our national defences, but we can say that ineptitude is rife.

How important is the MoD? What is its actual purpose?

Since the collapse of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War the MoD does not foresee any short-term conventional military threat; rather, it has identified weapons of mass destruction, international terrorism, and failed and failing states as the overriding threats to the UK’s interests. The MoD also manages day to day running of the armed forces, contingency planning and defence procurement – sourced www.wikipedia.org/ministry_of_defence

Shit. This doesn’t bode well. That is a considerable amount of responsibility for one government department. It appears they have to deal with and intercept a vast array of information. Where can it possibly keep all of this top secret information? How about on laptops? Why yes! That sounds like a mighty fine idea. Keep all of the secret, sensitive knowledge on terrorism, failing states, raging dictators, weapons of mass destruction, escalating civil war, genocide, splinter cells, manic urban terrorists and failed angry politicians, all seeking to reek some revenge on our little isle, on laptops. And then lose them. Not just one or two. Not even tens on twenties but hundreds!

Since 2004 the MOD has lost 659 Laptops. 659. I don’t know anyone who has lost one. Employees of the MoD have managed to lose 659 of them. In just four years. How is that possible? Surely after the first 300 had gone missing somebody of reasonable intelligence – for there must be some working there – would have stepped forward and said something? Maybe something along the lines of…

“Come on people, we have to stop losing laptops full of top secret information. I want you all to make the extra effort not to leave them in hotels, on trains, in taxis or at your girlfriend’s house. We have an important job to do protecting the country and allowing potentially harmful knowledge out into the public domain is not sensible. ”

No excuse in the book is good enough to get anywhere near explaining away this level of stupidity, this level of carelessness, this level of ineptitude. Its a laptop every 2.5 days! Every 2.5 days a laptop containing who knows what goes missing from Ministry of Defence hands. Where it ends up is any-body’s guess as only 32 have ever been recovered. They even tried to cover up this level of reckless stupidity by originally claiming only 374 (only!) had gone missing, only to have Defence Secretary Des Browne issue new figures after anomalies were found in the reporting process. Oh yes! It couldn’t be made up. If it wasn’t so dangerous it would be funny.

Seeing as zero people have come forward and apologised for this glaring ineptitude, Taketheblame is here to help out and offer its apologies to anyone affected by this outlandish fault in the way our country is protected and our forces managed. Lets hope no-one dies as a result.

It is not to get in the water. Sharks are eating people and they are not to blame!

People being eaten by sharks is never a good thing, some would say it isn’t even a funny thing. But sharks have to eat too. They don’t have  the luxury of choice, they don’t go on diets, they eat what they see and invariably don’t see what they eat. Sometimes they even eat human legs and the human being attached to it, as has happened this week on the sunny shores of the Mexican town of Zihuatanejo. Twice. Sadly for the locals and the flocks of tourists that descend, this isn’t Amity and police chief Martin Brody is not here to hunt down the perpetrator and dispose of it in some highly unlikely, nigh-on impossible feat of daring involving an old electrical power line or a conveniently place oxygen tank.

dedicated to Roy Schneider.

Who said Taketheblame wasn’t revolutionary? Who said we could’nt be held responsible for things on a grandiose scale? Well, in an unprecedented move, not seen since OJ didn’t take the blame, we are holding our hands, arms and feet up and taking the blame for things that haven’t even happened yet. That’s right. We are taking the blame for the future. For absurdities, wrong doings and plain mentalisms that are yet to occur, but probably will.

Say goodbye Sainsburys

The year is 2234, Google and Tesco are the only two companies in the world. Anyone who works in any sector, in any country in any dialect works for one or the other. Self-employment died out with the Saudis in the last throws of rebellion some 80 years ago when Tesco finally took over the last remaining oil field and with it, sole right to sell petrol on Tesco forecourts throughout the entire world. The last remaining farmers on the African sub-continent finally gave up the right to their own land and their own produce 50 years prior and the Europeans barely got out of the 21st Century. Western Europe didnt. With petroleum and food finally conquered, for the time being they can rest on their laurels. It was, in hindsight, always going to be the two most sort after products that caused the most trouble. The vast Alaskan, South American and Antarctic oil fields found in the early 22nd century have enough oil to last well into the 27th century. Enticing every farmer on the face of the planet to produce food solely for the blue and white of Tesco proved to be trickier than fixing a lightbulb. With an estimated 657 million small holdings and farms in the early 20th century, that is a lot of compensation. How they did it, I for one don’t want to know, I like my hands and face as they are. Broadcasting it would only end my life prematurely. Use your imagination. There are only Tesco shops and they sell everything. everything.

Google, after the bloodbath with Microsoft that resulted in the loss of so many, has control of the airwaves – it was discovered in 2007 that the “white noise” in the “space” between traditional “analogue” “channels” could be used by Google and their microscopic engineers to build unfathomable ways and means to transport information on a truly spectacular scale. The advertising revenue was such that the dollar became obsolete and the “Google” soon became the only currency in the world. Banks collapsed, countries capitulated, Jerry Springer became popular again as myriad of billionaires needed a channel to vent their spleen. The people loved it as there was nothing better than watching a broke former-billionaire cry on TV. So all information, economies, wealth, knowledge and media is under their control. This about covers everything.

Taketheblame would like to apologise to the people of the next millennium. We are truly sorry. It is our fault.

Newcastle has stepped up its zero-tolerance approach. Gone are the days of turning a blind eye and just as Rudolph did in New York, the zero-tolerance approach is most certainly in. Just yesterday, 16 year old Max Twizell was fined £50 for dropping a balloon in Newcastle town centre. Take that. The warden, for that is their technical term, we suppose, could have asked the child to pick the balloon up but as you will see, fines need to be imposed to collect the massive amounts of money to pay the army of wardens that have been employed to spy on people who drop rubbish on the city streets. – The more serious, more disruptive, highly despicable, cowardly, lazy fly tippers who decimate the countryside with real rubbish and pollution are not being targeted by operation ‘no bins’.

It isn’t just Newcastle, zero tolerance is spreading. In what could be a comedy sketch from the Little Britain school of thought, Lancashire council has actually deployed a loud haler bolted to the top of a specially designed van. It then gets weird. Not only is the van specially designed but it is manned by a team of “enforcement officers” who hide in these disguised vans and drive slowly around town. When they see someone drop rubbish, they shout at them from inside the van through the microphone mounted to the top of the van. “We can see you”, it blares, “dropping that rubbish.” This insanity is designed to take people by surprised. Who is to blame for this ludicrous scheme? The outcome?

“One man was seen dropping a cigarette end and when I spoke to him from the van, he had absolutely no idea where the voice was coming from.

“He went to pick up the butt and was stood looking at the sky with it in his hand.”

The war is being won. In Liverpool, Council leader Mike Storey is head of a similar scheme that runs 24 hours a day, employs people 24 hours a day because “unfortunately people drop litter at all times of day and night and we have to combat this.” When they are made to jump by the blaring litter van, they are then “named and shamed” on the zero tolerance anti-litter website.

We at TaketheBlame think that all this ridiculous councils should stop wasting money on stupid, blatantly expensive ideas and, well, just pick some rubbish up. Rather than spending money on fancy vans, teams of enforcers, website designers, 24 hour surveillance, sniffer dogs, and an army of press officers, workers and who knows what else? why don’t these people just pick up some rubbish and install a few more bins? How much actual rubbish was removed from our streets in this campaign? How much will be? Whoever heard of educating people to take rubbish home with them (as they are never enough bins) by sneaking around town in an undercover van and trying to make them jump? It’s garbage.

In one of the most barbaric, cowardly and sickening pieces of killing for killings sake, the only white red deer in the country has been killed. The White stag that roamed the Cornish and Devon borders has been beheaded and it’s carcass hung from a tree. Such was the rarity of it that locals kept its existence a secret to keep fat poachers from carrying out this very deed. As it was beheaded it can be assumed that its head and antler’s are being turned into a trophy and will adorn some sickos wall.

That such a rare beast has been needlessly extradited from the planet is bad enough. Has anyone apologised that such a sight, such an animal has been taken? Extinction is a nasty word. Every day un-discovered creatures are being made extinct in the name of progress. I suppose it is at least in the name of progress, if by progress you mean roads, but at least a road gets you somewhere. I big head on your wall is just a waste. Did anyone ever apologise about the Dodo? What about the Quagga, the Thylacine, the Auroch, the sabre toothed tiger? They slip from our midst and everyone points the finger, points the gun but never takes the blame. I suggest we find the white deer killers, cut of their heads and put them on a wall.

Educated and conservative guesses claim that every day between 35 and 150 species of animal become extinct every day! every day!! up to 150 species. That is quite absurd is it not? Other estimates put that during the history of the world, 99.9% of every animal that has ever walked the planet has become extinct! Most of these extinctions are accidents, coincidence’s, the natural balance. Some, and increasingly more though are from men. Men like the deer hunters in Devon who shot a staggering animal. For its head. Blame them. And people like them. Not us on this one.

Why is all news bad? Just look at the rolling news channels, the millions of news sites on the Internet. The 9 o’clock news, the 10 o’clock news, even Newsround is just full of bad news. The news, or rather bad news, makes people sad, scared, angry and depressed.

There is a scene at the start of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre where the kids breakdown and as they sit on the side of the road pondering what to do the camera pans out and you can hear a fictitious radio news broadcast. It talks of civil unrest, murder, rape, stabbings, shootings, nuclear fallout, war, fighting in the streets, death, gloom and worldwide armageddon. Its a cunning ploy by director Tobe Hooper to set the disturbing, graphic scenes that follow against a world collapsing. The year was 1974 yet it could be a news bulletin from today.

Just a brief glance at any newspaper or news website today will tell you so. Ex kkk member goes to prison, woman dies after brutal attack, Gunmen and US forces clash in Iraq, more arrested in 11 year old slaying, soldiers die in friendly fire, Greece on fire, Kenyan politicians potentially steal billions, suicide bomber kills 2 near Kabul airport, Israeli freighter sinks, South Koreans in hostage situation, hurricane in Jamaica, fierce fighting in Congo, Brazil train crash, fighting in Darfur, North Indian clashes, Indian Maoist violence, Papua tensions. This is a snapshot gathered in seconds. It is like this everyday.

Maybe it is symbolic of bad news creating bad news. If you listen to sad music, you become sad. Perhaps good news would create good news. And by that string of thought, we blame the news media for the state of the country and the state of the world today. Its all good and well David Cameron blaming computer games for the evil deeds committed on the streets of England but that is just immature, weak, lameass propaganda. an excuse. If music and computer games are responsible now, in this country, what is responsible for the African subcontinent child armies? Grand Theft Auto?

10 years ago the news gladly waxed lyrical about how the UK was 10 years behind American gun culture. It appears their predictions are coming true. What should be happening is predictions of good. But until then, our apologies for all the bad news.

Why not go to www.goodnewsnetwork.org

It is nothing but good news.

For anybody who has ever stubbed their toe, banged their knee, crushed their funny bone or banged their head. But mostly for the toe stub. Whose fault is that? You just suffer and nobody ever says sorry. Until now.

Our philosophy is simple, our motivation honest; We Apologise. We apologise and take the blame because no one else will. We will take anything that has ever wronged you, and write you an apology. We are sorry. Apparently we are in the grips of a so-called blame culture. Well we don’t know about you but we don’t see anybody taking the blame. We don’t see written, verbal or etched in sand apologies from the people on whose doorstep the blame should land. Put it on our doorstep then. And we will apologise to you.

It is amazing how much a simple apology means. How a simple “I am sorry”, “we are sorry” can brighten a day and more often than not, erase the problem. For we are forgiving creatures. But we are also stubborn and will hold a grudge when no apology is forthcoming. That will now change.

The last time you were spurned by a lover, ejected from a pub, riptoffed by a garage, over charged by a cinema. The last time your football team lost, your cricket team capitulated, your rugby team wimped out. The last time your car parking place was used by the work experience, the last time your bike got a puncture on the way home. The last time it rained or the last time you were mugged. The last time you phoned your bank and you put on hold in India and all you wanted was a balance. The last time your holiday was cancelled, your train was late, your subway ticket got lost in a drain. The last time your dealer ran out, you missed the bus or the kids across the street shouted abuse at you. The last time your friend didn’t call back, the animal you most love became extinct. You have no money, you have no motivation, You hate your computer. We, from the deepest, most honest depths of our heart, apologise. We will take the blame, because no one else will.

Our promise to you

Personally, we like the rain, so this apology comes with a certain amount of resistance. But then all the best apologies do. If they were easy everybody would be doing it, which, if you read our philosophy, you will see they are not. Of course being bathed in sunshine is fabulous - although the amount of people who you meet who constantly tell the world “oh, I just cant live without sunshine. I need it for my very existence. I am such a sunny person. When it rains, I just fall apart” is annoying. They think the Sun was invented for them. we usually tell them they live in England and that they should probably go and see a doctor – but there is something about rain. But you out there seem to hate the rain, and so all apologies for this most persistent of showers.

We are sorry that you got wet on your way to work this morning. We are sorry that you spent all that time making your hair look good, only for the rain to wash it all away. For all the times you went on holiday, only for it to rain whilst England bathed in record breaking temperatures. For rain at Wimbledon and The FA Cup. For rain on your birthday and rain on bank holidays and trips to the beach and the park and the theme park. We are sorry for all the rain that dampened your spirits and ruined your cigarettes. The rain that flooded your house, washed away your garden and drowned your cat. We take the blame for the rain. We are sorry.