The futures bright. Hopefully not mushroom cloud orange.

In February 2005 Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez accused America of entertaining ideas of political assasination whilst he himself was entertaining the Venezuelan people with his weekly radio and TV show. Now, 7 years on, he has upped the ante and brought nuclear war into the equation by blaming the United States for possible nuclear war in the Middle East.

Once again using his weekly TV and radio broadcasts he has pointed his big chubby finger at the United States, accusing them of inciting War, and this time there could be reason to his madness. Tensions between Tehran and the West have been increasing by the hour as more evidence of Iran’s determination to produce its own nuclear arsenal unsettles the (extremely temperamental) status quo. Only last week the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) released a report on the Iranian nuclear program highlighting its fears and concerns about the military connotations of its program.

“The Agency has serious concerns regarding possible military dimensions to Iran’s nuclear programme….. (The IAEA encourages Iran) to engage substantively with the agency without delay for the purpose of providing clarifications regarding possible military dimensions to Iran’s nuclear program.” Worrying.  The report in its entirety is available here.

So there is concern in the West that The Republic of Iran is gearing up for weapons capabilities. What that capability represents in terms of stability in the Middle East is a hornets nest, and a nest that Hugo Chavez believes the Americans are going to possibly eradicate with a big red button. To make matters worse the rhetoric coming out of Tehran is not exactly passive. Ahmadinejad is not known for bowing to pressure. During last years rounds of political pressure and sanctions he had this to say.

“They know that there is a sleeping lion in Iran which is waking up and if she wakes up all the relationships in the world will change. Their (The West) pathetic acts show they know what a great human power is hidden in Iran.”

With Iran being provocative in its flaunting of increased nuclear capabilities and The United States adamant on preventing nuclear proliferation proliferating further, then perhaps Chavez, although delusional with his cries of nuclear war, is not so far off the mark with his war prediction. Britain has already stepped up its military plans for Iranian (specific, nuclear targets) attack by examining where best to deploy Royal Navy ships and tomahawk laden submarines. And then there is America and Israel.

Whether Israel has the capabilities to destroy the nuclear facilities of Iran sufficiently enough to put back the nuclear program, or indeed stop it all together or not, talk of attack is already advanced. As recently as early November the Israeli cabinet was discussing attacks on Iranian facilities in the immediate future; a strategy that has been met with both support (by Iranian Prime minister and Defence secretary Binyamin Netanyahu and Ehud Barak respectively) and opposition. Any attack from Israel would be, as Iran has often stated, see retaliation against America.

And what of America? With an election looming and a population, for all their patriotism, which must be growing tired of war after war – four and counting – Americas current administration must fear another invasion, and that’s without even bringing the cost of war during a possible double dip recession into question. The population would be against it, parts of Capital Hill would be against it, the battle weary would be against it and with every escalation of war, the stakes are rising. Should Iran be invaded then the outcome is earth shattering. China and Russia have been supplying weapons for years and China is Irans biggest buyer of Oil, indeed most of China’s imported oil comes from Iran. So whose side are they on? For any security council sanctions to come to fruition then full council support is needed. With China and Russia holding vetos, there is… oh, about Fat Chance of anything coming to pass there.

Should Iran get the bomb then The West could see a cataclysmic shift in oil distribution from the Middle East, especially, as many commentators point out, the real victims of Iran obtaining fully functional nuclear weapons would not be Israel but Iran’s other close neighbours: UAE, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia. The picture is bleak. But not as bleak as the one below.

Alledged American military prescence. Iran is surrounded.

Carlo Giovanardi blames cocaine for the instability in the Italian markets

As trading in shares of France-Belgium bank Dexia tumble 36% as news of a £3.4bn bailout by French, Belgian and Luxembourg governments emerge, one Italian man has some ideas about what is causing the continued market volatility that we are regularly witnessing. Cocaine ladies and gentlemen.

Carlo Giovanardi is Undersecretary to Italian playboy/media-mogul/adulterer/sometimes President and master of all he purveys, Silvio Berlusconi, and as such he has been witness and heir apparent to some pretty monstrous ineptitude in his time. Now, after witnessing so much from his leader, he has thrown his own hat into the ring by blaming cocaine use amongst traders for the volatility affecting the Italian (and one supposes, global) markets.

On September 28th Italy extended a ban on short selling of financial shares until the 11th November. Short selling is far too complicated a financial concept for Take The Blame to understand, yet alone explain, but basically it is a concept which falls, almost perfectly, into the deranged hands of the cocaine freak. Because the cocaine freak is just that; a freak. A liar and a cheat who will prostitute the markets for their own gain leaving nothing but instability, volatility and confusion; the mirror image of the night before.

Short selling is the buying and selling of stock that the seller doesn’t own. Its like selling drugs that you don’t own on the promise that they will be there should your client actually want to get mashed. The stock is lent by the broker to the seller from a collection of his clients stocks. The stock is then sold and the money credited to the account of the seller. Now the crux of short selling is that at some point, as the stocks are not actually owned by either the seller or broker, the stocks have to be replenished back into the original account from where they were borrowed by the broker originally. Now, market drops and the seller can buy back the original stocks at a decreased price, thus making a profit on the difference of price. You borrow and sell at $10  then buy back at $6  and make $4 on every initial $10 investment and never actually owned any of it. By that end it is investing on the market falling, an investment in failure. Awesome. Rack up some lines and watch the market destabilise itself.

It is this availability of gambling with other peoples stocks that probably leads Mr. Giovarndi to his theory that there is a worrisome link between substance abuse and market flux. In a telephone call to Italian media, the undersecretary went on to say that Italians are trusting their money to people who are “not capable of making decisions”.

The idea is sound enough. Cocaine makes you confident, reckless, brave and full of your own ability to be a complete tool. Trading on the market gives you the opportunity to unleash these negative personality traits on peoples unsuspecting bank accounts. The problem is that, as almost every single financial institute has demonstrated over the last 5 years, you don’t need cocaine to royally screw things up.

Nogent-Sur-Marne has made looking in bins for food a criminal offence

Nogent-Sur-Marne is a French town in the eastern suburbs of Paris and it has introduced a law banning people from looking in bins. In a bid to clear up the town centre, the Mayor of the French suburb, Jacques Jean-Paul Martin, has made it a public offence to delve, rummage, fish, forage or in any other way look in the rubbish bins of the town. The guilty culprits will be handed a 38 euro fine and repeat offenders could find themselves at the local Gendarmerie facing even sterner punishments.

Obviously some people are not happy at what they see as a piece of cowardice from the city Mayor as he tries to oust the increasing number of poor and homeless who frequent the Parisian streets. William Geib, chief of the opposition sees the new law as nothing more than an outright and blatant attack on the poor of Nogent.

“We see that there is a form of escalation from the mayor. The only thing that remains to do would be to ban the poverty stricken of Nogent.”

What beggars believe, to use a badly worded pun, is the reasoning behind the decision of the UMP (the ruling party of President Nicolas Sarkozy) Mayor Jacques Jean-Paul Martin. In a pathetic attempt to pull the wool over the eyes of the common man he has blamed gangs of youths who operate in the streets of Nogent ransacking bins and looking for technology that they can then sell on at a later date: iPhone, mp3 players, laptops, coffee machines? The bins of Nogent-Sur-Marne, if the Mayor is to be believed, are a treasure trove of electronic goods; a Dixons, an electronics store, a Christmas stocking where everything is free and just waiting to be found in a bin near you. Speaking to someone the Mayor obviously thinks is a gullible sucker, he said that,

“For several months, some people search the containers and spill on the road in search of objects that could be marketed. These are not people looking for food.”

Really Mayor? The streets of Nogent are awash with gangs of bin looters and opportunistic bin searchers? Obviously this is bullshit. The streets of Nogent-Sur-Marne are no more full of people looking in bins for iPhones than anywhere else. It is a blatant attack on the homeless and poor wrapped in the pathetic, inept ramblings of an out of touch Town Hall. The 38 Euro fine which accompanies the new law is also as inept as the law itself. What people are looking in bins for food who have 38 Euros burning a hole in their pocket? These people have no pockets to have holes burnt in; their trousers are frayed and worn and falling apart at the seams. It is why they are looking in bins for food you arrogant brandisher of power.

This is not the first time that the Mayor and politicians of Nogent-Sur-Marne have tried to oust the poor. Every winter since 2007 the Mayor’ office has banned begging in the streets. Every Winter! Numbers are hard to come by and ever-increasing but it is thought that over 100,000 homeless people “live”in France with hundreds dying every winter on the hard, concrete streets of Paris. When begging is most vital, they ban it. Class act.

Spanish anger at cucumber blame has been vindicated. For now.

Germany has admitted that Spanish cucumbers are not the source of the E. coli outbreak that has killed 16 and left hundreds ill across Germany and parts of Europe.

Just what the fuck is causing the contamination? Bin Laden in vegetable terrorism? Europe’s children – they have finally had enough of being forced to eat their greens and have retaliated in the only way they know how. E. coli. Space terrorism? The outbreak came in on a meteorite from space? The Chinese? The Russians? The Corse? ETA, IRA? The French? Just what is out there and why cucumbers????????

MORE TO FOLLOW

The economice fall-out from the cucumber deaths sweeping across Europe is costing Spain upwards of 200 million dollars a week as the country seeks to refute blame for the outbreak. As the number of deaths and people infected continues to grow, the largest part of the Iberian Peninsula is engaged in a war of words with Germany as Europe teeters on the edge of a blame war.

Just who or what is to blame for the mysterious cucumber deaths?

The Spanish agriculture minister Rosa Aguilar has pointed the finger at Germany, saying they had identified Spanish cucumbers without reliable data. The Germans have now gone so far as to say that they harbour doubts as to whether the Spanish cucumbers under investigation even harbour the E.coli strain. All the while salad paranoia is cascading through the supermarket aisles of Europe as cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce are left to rot on the shelves. Sales of meat, dairy products, lentils and pasta are reaping the rewards as healthy food is put aside in favour of life. The death toll has now risen to (depending on sources) around 16 with deaths now being reported in Sweden as well as Germany.

As fears that the outbreak is far from over, not at all contained and predicted to get worse before it gets better, fingers are wagging across traditional European borders as the blame game continues afoot. Spain is obviously extremely narked that they have been labelled as the source without any definitive proof. Consequently Rosa Aguilar, Spanish agriculture minister has laid into Germany.

“We are disappointed by the way Germany handles the situation. We want Germany to provide, without any delay and distractions, the necessary information of its investigation so that the European Union can know what is causing the E. coli outbreak”

Spain, along with Holland, are calling for financial compensation after the event. Compensation that could run into the billions of euros. Spanish Health Minister Leire Pajin has been discussing the scandal via Twitter.

In the absence of proof. we’re not ruling out using all necessary measures to make sure there’s compensation for the (economic) damage,” she wrote. “From the first day, the government launched a diplomatic offensive to prevent the linking of this health crisis with our products.”

Germany, in a bid to back up its original claims that Spain is the root of the problem, has launched a verbal counter attack. Hamburg (the hardest hit city in this outbreak) state health minister Cornelia Pruefer-Storcks launched a valid defence.

“It would have been irresponsible with this number of ill people to keep quiet about a well-grounded suspicion (Spain). Protecting people’s lives is more important than economic interests.”

A lovers tiff or something more serious?

Germany blames Spain, Spain is on the defensive, Holland and Sweden are on the wings and could well make intervene with their own suspicions if the situation doesn’t clear up. The UK is yet to enter the ring but continued illness could force their hand. The Swiss will no doubt remain neutral and Austria and Belgium will hide behind the big guns. The European Union is not united at this time.

Another thing that is being overlooked here is if Spain is discovered to be innocent and not the root of the E.coli outbreak, then just who the hell is?

There is a new serial killer in town.

Killer salads are stalking the dinner tables of Europe and E-coli is to blame. So far 10 unfortunate people have lost their lives in Germany, hundreds have fallen ill and the outbreak is far from over, barely contained and little understood.

Thought to have originated in Spanish cucumbers imported into Germany, the E-coli cucumber killing machine is marching across Europe. Victims have been hospitalised in Denmark, The UK, Spain, Sweden and The Netherlands. Cucumbers have been taken off the shelves in The Czech Republic and Austria and other green salad vegetables are most probably going to follow as cucumber fever grips. It is not a good time to be a vegetarian in Europe at the moment.

Two Spanish greenhouses which are thought to be the epicentre of the problem have been closed and are under investigation, but the damage has already been done. The cucumbers responsible were exported to Germany, and Hamburg in particular, where over 450 people have been cut down with the kidney problem causing (HUS) Hemolytic-uremic Syndrome which often strikes after E-coli. If left untreated or if it becomes violent, death can ensue.

As cucumber terror spreads, tomatoes and lettuce are being signalled out as possible bed-fellows. The head of the Robert Koch Institute (RKI), Germany’s national disease institute, has warned people to avoid eating raw cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce. Unfortunately for salad lovers everywhere. The Atkins meat only diet is starting to look like a real life saver in some parts.

What is baffling and downright confusing is not just the vehicle of the doom – cucumbers have often been described as tasteless, but now to be brandished as a killer is a huge blow to the reputation of this salad mainstay – but who it is affecting. Normally the dreaded HUS targets children but because children famously don’t eat their greens, they are being spared. 90% of those affected are adult, a further third being women. Further proof that men and children don’t like lettuce.

Banned in Denmark on health grounds. The haters are happy and the lovers are livid.

Denmark has only gone and imposed a nationwide ban on Marmite. If you love Marmite, just let that little sentence sink in for a while…………….. And then thank the Lord above that you don’t live in Copenhagen where shops have already been ordered to withdraw stocks of the bizarre, alien substance from the shelves. We would like to take the blame™ for the poor souls whose only crimes are liking Marmite and living in Denmark and who will never again get to savour the sweet sweet taste of black salt paste on toast.

Marmite, with its rich vitamin b and added minerals, apparently breaks Danish food safety laws. The Danish government has to give permission for such rule breakers to be legally sold. Marmite failed the test. It isnt the first food product to be banned in Denmark, some breakfast cereals with huge amounts of chocolate have already seen the health guillotine behead their chocolate coated flakes. And, get this, Oval fucking tine. Yes, Ovaltine is banned in Denmark. What has Ovaltine ever done to upset anyone? Just ban hot milk.

Danger in a cup. This is a health hazard. Step away from the cup. Repeat, step away from the cup.

For the Europeans out there who have no idea what Marmite is and the kind of emotional response such a ban is going to cause, listen up. The British don’t get worked up about too many things but other nations banning national food products is certainly something to get irate about. Think the French British beef ban which nearly ended in renewed hostilities. There will be uproar in the press and protests in the street and a noticeable backlash on all things Danish. There aren’t too many things to choose from that would hit the Danes where it hurt but there is one thing. Their bacon. Expect a British ban to follow soon.

Just what is all the fuss about? The Marmite food company was formed in 1902 in the English town of Burton-upon-Trent. The location is important because Burton was also home to the biggest beer brewer of the time, Bass Brewery. Beer is important in the story of Marmite because without beer, there would be no Marmite. How does that work you ask? Marmite is a yeast extract product. You need yeast extract. Lots of yeast extract. And where do you get yeast in large quantities? yes, in a brewery. Although the complete recipe is a family secret, essentially to make Marmite, what you do is make lots of beer and then take all of the left over gunk that doesn’t get used in the Beer process, add some salt and minerals and, well, that’s it. Mouth-watering. If you want to eat beer residue. You should be able to.

Apparently Rikers Island prison, where Dominique Strauss-Kahn spent a few days last week, has bad food. This is according to a French Lawyer who obviously puts food above male shower rape, drug abuse, violence, self-mutilation, starving prisoners, corruption and God knows what else which goes on behind the locked iron doors of one of the most feared prisons in America. “Oh, they don’t have a nice foie gras over at Rikers you know. Its not like the French prisons where prisoners get gourmet food on a platter even if they butchered their own family.” He probably didnt say.

We Like mugshots or lock up your daughters.

At the moment there is no blame and finger pointing coming out of the DSK DSK DSK DSK (chanted venomously to the same tune as USA USA USA USA in some parts of France) camp at the moment so we will hi-jack an American journal and tell you what they think. They think the French are blaming the Americans. We don’t know, but the quarrelling is always worth a gander.

“today, thanks to Strauss-Kahn, the French who choose to criticize the US have a fresh reason to shake their heads and point fingers at the country they love to hate“

If you’re French or American, let us know what you think about the whole sordid DSK affair.

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Oh David Milliband. Sometimes he just can’t let sleeping dogs die, or lie. Or, he cant cook a goose with 2 stones in a glass house. Whatever melange of idioms you want to use, he has been having a pop at Tony Blair (again) over the Iraq War. He blames big T for the chaos that the invasion caused. Whilst sporting cliche rap hand gestures, he pointed the finger.

“I am afraid the failure of the Western forces to develop a proper strategy for peace, not a strategy for war, has held back the country“

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The Apprentice. Its a TV show. People watch it. It’s probably crap but we are not here to take the blame for that. We are here to let the latest Muppet to be fired point some blame for why he was fired. Its a cracker. Latest loser Gavin Winstanley blames the Yellow Pages for his teams complete ineptitude. That’s right. A phonebook. He blames a phonebook. This is after going into a dry-cleaners to ask for a top-hat. (riveting TV.) Genius this one. Anyway, his team were given a task and they failed, according to Gavin, because he is from Liverpool and there is only one Yellow Pages in Liverpool but in London they have many. Jesus. He didn’t realise this.

“I’m from Liverpool and we only have one Yellow Pages in Liverpool,’I’ve never known any different. So when it came to looking for all these businesses, I just assumed we were looking at the same one.”

Would you hire him?

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Other blame

Are humans to blame for Whales beaching themselves?

Google blocks android movie rental. Blames DRM. Whatever the fuck that is.

People have stopped buying houses. Is the weather to blame? Probably not. But some people think it might be.