The targeted bank was Wells Fargo. They don't make pizza so the robber went next door
Yuma. Tuscon Arizona. A Breeding ground of inept criminals where robbing a bank is followed up with a few beers and a celebratory slice of pizza. But of course. It wouldn’t be so many chromosomes short of a functioning string of DNA if the pizza restaurant chosen wasn’t next door to the bank.
Saturday in Tuscon and the thermometer is pushing 125 degrees and the temperature is playing havoc with Henry Elmers brain. The 56-year old father of ineptitude walked into a branch of Wells Fargo just after midday brandishing a knife. First mistake was in the choice of bank, or more accurately, its location: opposite the Police Department Headquarters.
On entering the bank Elmer threatened the staff and, pretty much nothing like Butch Cassidy and/or the Sundance Kid, left carrying a probably quite small sum of money. Rather than making a speedy getaway, or even a getaway – slow, fast or otherwise – Henry Elmer walked straight into the neighbouring Village Inn Pizza Parlour and ordered a beer and some pizza and waited for the police to arrive to arrest him.
It make look harmless but it is actually a perfect killing machine. The BS-1000
Bean sprouts are potentially the most dangerous food in the known universe and possibly the cause of 21 deaths and thousands of hospitalisations across Europe. The problem is that they also might not be. Any vegetable currently lining the shelves of your local supermarket could be the E. coli killer stalking the plates of Europe and now the United States. But the bean sprout is the latest suspect in the vegetable line up.
Germany is focusing its investigations on this often maligned and quite frankly, unliked little vegetable. If it is found to be the cause then its distinctive non-taste and unmistakable boring flavour will have saved the lives of many people, simply because not many people like it. Thankfully the E. coli is not being harboured in strawberries or the death toll could be a lot higher.
Although 40 samples have been taken from a farm in Uelzen, south of Hamburg and 23 of these results are back and all test negative for E. coli, German officials are still holding out that the link is the Uelzen farm and that bean sprouts are the culprit. Meanwhile, the Spanish cucumbers, still licking their wounds, are happy the blame has been shifted from them but still watch interestingly from the sidelines. As the bean sprout theory is investigated, Spanish farmers are claiming compensation from the EU for a complete loss of a seasons crop and Russia still has complete European Vegetable import bans in place.
Why bean sprouts? for one thing they have a history. We are talking serial offender, three strikes and you are out, menace to society here. Check it out. They have been responsible for over 36 cases of E. coli Stateside since 1996 and an outbreak of Salmonella in the UK just last year.
How have bean sprouts succeeded where cucumbers failed? They are a hot bed of bacteria, both in the growing house and in the unsuspecting kitchens in which they are prepared. They are grown in steam at 38 degrees. Steam? Jesus, It’s a bacterial paradise. Steam rooms at 38 degrees, as anyone with sweaty feet will tell you, are a goldmine of fungus, mushrooms and bacteria in around 14 seconds. After being grown in a hive of fungus, it is then eaten raw in salads to try and preserve what little flavour it has. In a spite attack for its sheer blandness, it then gives you E. coli. Maybe.
Why maybe? well, for one, all the fucking tests are negative. Two; the strain of E.coli normally lives inside the stomach of animals. Bean sprouts are not animals. The problem usually comes to fruition, so to speak, when the faeces of infected animals are used as fertiliser. The German farm under suspicion has, through the mouth of managing director Klaus Verbeck (farms have managing directors, not managing farmers these days?), apparently said that “the salad sprouts are grown only from seeds and water, and they aren’t fertilised at all. There aren’t any animal fertilisers used in other areas on the farm either“. Shit.
So, if Bean Sprouts are found to be innocent. Who's next? What's next? Bread?
And three? You don’t want to know three. OK. The bean sprout is a serial offender, responsible for outbreaks of Salmonella, E. coli and God knows what else, but it isn’t the only serial offender. Want to know what else has been responsible for mass outbreaks of E. coli in the past? Really, you want to know? Basically it includes everything in your fridge. Here we go. Hamburgers, kebabs, salami, melons, grapes, apple juice, coleslaw, lettuce, spinach, radish, alfafa sprouts (what the fuck are they?), cheese, milk, yogurt, ice-cream (is there no God?). And its not just food. Swimming pools, lakes, ponds and air-conditioning have all been responsible in the past.
This could take some time.
Spanish anger at cucumber blame has been vindicated. For now.
Germany has admitted that Spanish cucumbers are not the source of the E. coli outbreak that has killed 16 and left hundreds ill across Germany and parts of Europe.
Just what the fuck is causing the contamination? Bin Laden in vegetable terrorism? Europe’s children – they have finally had enough of being forced to eat their greens and have retaliated in the only way they know how. E. coli. Space terrorism? The outbreak came in on a meteorite from space? The Chinese? The Russians? The Corse? ETA, IRA? The French? Just what is out there and why cucumbers????????
MORE TO FOLLOW
The economice fall-out from the cucumber deaths sweeping across Europe is costing Spain upwards of 200 million dollars a week as the country seeks to refute blame for the outbreak. As the number of deaths and people infected continues to grow, the largest part of the Iberian Peninsula is engaged in a war of words with Germany as Europe teeters on the edge of a blame war.
Just who or what is to blame for the mysterious cucumber deaths?
The Spanish agriculture minister Rosa Aguilar has pointed the finger at Germany, saying they had identified Spanish cucumbers without reliable data. The Germans have now gone so far as to say that they harbour doubts as to whether the Spanish cucumbers under investigation even harbour the E.coli strain. All the while salad paranoia is cascading through the supermarket aisles of Europe as cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce are left to rot on the shelves. Sales of meat, dairy products, lentils and pasta are reaping the rewards as healthy food is put aside in favour of life. The death toll has now risen to (depending on sources) around 16 with deaths now being reported in Sweden as well as Germany.
As fears that the outbreak is far from over, not at all contained and predicted to get worse before it gets better, fingers are wagging across traditional European borders as the blame game continues afoot. Spain is obviously extremely narked that they have been labelled as the source without any definitive proof. Consequently Rosa Aguilar, Spanish agriculture minister has laid into Germany.
“We are disappointed by the way Germany handles the situation. We want Germany to provide, without any delay and distractions, the necessary information of its investigation so that the European Union can know what is causing the E. coli outbreak”
Spain, along with Holland, are calling for financial compensation after the event. Compensation that could run into the billions of euros. Spanish Health Minister Leire Pajin has been discussing the scandal via Twitter.
Germany, in a bid to back up its original claims that Spain is the root of the problem, has launched a verbal counter attack. Hamburg (the hardest hit city in this outbreak) state health minister Cornelia Pruefer-Storcks launched a valid defence.
A lovers tiff or something more serious?
Germany blames Spain, Spain is on the defensive, Holland and Sweden are on the wings and could well make intervene with their own suspicions if the situation doesn’t clear up. The UK is yet to enter the ring but continued illness could force their hand. The Swiss will no doubt remain neutral and Austria and Belgium will hide behind the big guns. The European Union is not united at this time.
Another thing that is being overlooked here is if Spain is discovered to be innocent and not the root of the E.coli outbreak, then just who the hell is?
There is a new serial killer in town.
Killer salads are stalking the dinner tables of Europe and E-coli is to blame. So far 10 unfortunate people have lost their lives in Germany, hundreds have fallen ill and the outbreak is far from over, barely contained and little understood.
Thought to have originated in Spanish cucumbers imported into Germany, the E-coli cucumber killing machine is marching across Europe. Victims have been hospitalised in Denmark, The UK, Spain, Sweden and The Netherlands. Cucumbers have been taken off the shelves in The Czech Republic and Austria and other green salad vegetables are most probably going to follow as cucumber fever grips. It is not a good time to be a vegetarian in Europe at the moment.
Two Spanish greenhouses which are thought to be the epicentre of the problem have been closed and are under investigation, but the damage has already been done. The cucumbers responsible were exported to Germany, and Hamburg in particular, where over 450 people have been cut down with the kidney problem causing (HUS) Hemolytic-uremic Syndrome which often strikes after E-coli. If left untreated or if it becomes violent, death can ensue.
As cucumber terror spreads, tomatoes and lettuce are being signalled out as possible bed-fellows. The head of the Robert Koch Institute (RKI), Germany’s national disease institute, has warned people to avoid eating raw cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce. Unfortunately for salad lovers everywhere. The Atkins meat only diet is starting to look like a real life saver in some parts.
What is baffling and downright confusing is not just the vehicle of the doom – cucumbers have often been described as tasteless, but now to be brandished as a killer is a huge blow to the reputation of this salad mainstay – but who it is affecting. Normally the dreaded HUS targets children but because children famously don’t eat their greens, they are being spared. 90% of those affected are adult, a further third being women. Further proof that men and children don’t like lettuce.
Banned in Denmark on health grounds. The haters are happy and the lovers are livid.
Denmark has only gone and imposed a nationwide ban on Marmite. If you love Marmite, just let that little sentence sink in for a while…………….. And then thank the Lord above that you don’t live in Copenhagen where shops have already been ordered to withdraw stocks of the bizarre, alien substance from the shelves. We would like to take the blame™ for the poor souls whose only crimes are liking Marmite and living in Denmark and who will never again get to savour the sweet sweet taste of black salt paste on toast.
Marmite, with its rich vitamin b and added minerals, apparently breaks Danish food safety laws. The Danish government has to give permission for such rule breakers to be legally sold. Marmite failed the test. It isnt the first food product to be banned in Denmark, some breakfast cereals with huge amounts of chocolate have already seen the health guillotine behead their chocolate coated flakes. And, get this, Oval fucking tine. Yes, Ovaltine is banned in Denmark. What has Ovaltine ever done to upset anyone? Just ban hot milk.
Danger in a cup. This is a health hazard. Step away from the cup. Repeat, step away from the cup.
For the Europeans out there who have no idea what Marmite is and the kind of emotional response such a ban is going to cause, listen up. The British don’t get worked up about too many things but other nations banning national food products is certainly something to get irate about. Think the French British beef ban which nearly ended in renewed hostilities. There will be uproar in the press and protests in the street and a noticeable backlash on all things Danish. There aren’t too many things to choose from that would hit the Danes where it hurt but there is one thing. Their bacon. Expect a British ban to follow soon.
Just what is all the fuss about? The Marmite food company was formed in 1902 in the English town of Burton-upon-Trent. The location is important because Burton was also home to the biggest beer brewer of the time, Bass Brewery. Beer is important in the story of Marmite because without beer, there would be no Marmite. How does that work you ask? Marmite is a yeast extract product. You need yeast extract. Lots of yeast extract. And where do you get yeast in large quantities? yes, in a brewery. Although the complete recipe is a family secret, essentially to make Marmite, what you do is make lots of beer and then take all of the left over gunk that doesn’t get used in the Beer process, add some salt and minerals and, well, that’s it. Mouth-watering. If you want to eat beer residue. You should be able to.
“Ocean’s Eleven, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid, Reservoir Dogs, Nick Leeson. Listen up. If you want to rob a bank, what you need to do is eat the f**king money. “ anon
Build your house on the beach and it will get washed away. Build your bank on a termite mound and the little blighters will eat all of the money you have piled inside. Common sense dictates this. Termites eat wood. Money is made from paper. Paper is made from wood. Lunch time for the local termite population. No bank is stupid enough to leave piles and piles of cold hard cash unguarded and unwatched except for the hungry eyes of 5 million termites. Are they?
For the customers of the Indian State Bank, Fatehpur branch in the Indian district of Barabanki, this is exactly what has happened. The bank has suffered the ignominy of having clients money digested by the wood munching insects. Reports are flowing from Indian of customers money being the main course in a termite buffet of hedonistic proportions.
How much money did the insect army get through? And did they leave a tip? The service in India is reputably very good. According to the bank, over the last few months the silent army of money munching assassins has chomped its way through 10 million Indian rupees. If you haven’t been to India, to put that into a currency you might understand, it equates to around $225,000 or £137,000.
Who is to blame for the calamitous piece of ineptitude? The Termites? State Bank of India Chief General Manager Abhay Singh told the Press Trust of India that,
“Action will be taken against those responsible in the matter”
Those responsible. Is that the termites? Could be. If they do decide the termites are to blame, what will be there punishment? No wood? In fairness, action has already been taken. The termites have been sent home early and the branch manager has been charged with “laxity”. Whatever that it. As for the customers money?
Hey you. Yeah you. How much food did you throw away yesterday? last week? How about last year? What about just at lunch time today? Well we can tell you how much food you throw away. Not in literal terms. We can’t tell you what you jettison, be it corn fakes or bacon, marmalade or Nutella (breakfast items are perhaps the most throw-able) but according to new figures published by The Local Government Association (http://www.thegrocer.co.uk/articles.aspx?page=articles&ID=217324) every household in Britain throws away the equivalent of £520 per year; a combined bin-toppling total of £14 billion for all of us. A food mountain of gargantuan proportions is propping up the tips of middle England.
So who is to blame? The retailers or the shoppers? It is a difficult one to get to the bottom of. According to Clyde Loaks, environment chief for the association, “Way too much food is being brought into homes [and] retailers need to take a large slice of responsibility“. So there is a big pointing finger aimed pretty unequivocally at the retailers. In addition, the cause of the problem is the BOGOF; the Buy One Get One Free culture. Simply put, the customers are being brainwashed into buying food in a quantity they simply cannot consume and the supermarkets should stop peddling their wares in such fashion and return to single-item offers.
It is true that BOGOF offers are seductive. There is a warped sense of victory in buying 26 yogurts for the price of 13. That the best-before-date is in 3 days and equates to a yogurt to day ratio of over 8-1 is not the point. 4 packs of coffee, 48 bags of walkers crisps, 10 pineapples, 4 packs of fresh pasta, 6 avocados, 6 sachets of rice and 28 oranges. For half price? You would be foolish not to buy it.
In reality the supermarkets do not force people to buy the offers; they are voluntarily gobbled up. They merely put the offers out. 40% of shopping passing under the infa-red price guns at your local store is part of a deal; a two for one, a multi-pack, a buy 6 get the 7th free. You can’t blame an airline for people choosing to go on holiday and you can’t blame a supermarket for people buying food. Even if they buy too much.
What is clear, whoever is to blame, is that £14 billion is a lot of carrots. Carrots that could be put to use somewhere other than the local tip. Worldhunger.org estimates that there are 927 million hungry people on Earth; 578 million in Asia and the Pacific and 239 million in Sub-Saharan Africa and the rest scattered around The Caribbean, Latin America and some unfortunate developed countries. Obviously this number is vague and extremely open to counter-numbers and argument, it can’t be totally accurate as no-one really knows. Even the definition of hunger itself is wide. The Oxford dictionary cites 3 definitions:
WorldHunger.org uses the second definition.
What needs to be done is a re-distribution of food. If the UK is throwing away £14 billion of food every year, then what about the rest of the world? What about America? The mind recoils at the very idea of it. Would there be enough to feed the world in a Band-Aid style? Citing WorldHunger.org, the global food production is substantial enough to supply 2720 kilocalories (kcal) per day to every man, woman and child on the planet. For all of the food that is thrown away as people go hungry, we take the blame. Lets start a revolution. Don’t throw food away. Eat it. Or don’t buy it in the first place.
The supermarkets are not to blame, we are all to blame.
Ineptitude comes to the restaurants of America as a Michigan chain restaurant Applebee’s gives a 15-month old child who requested apple juice a margarita instead. If only such things would happen to the adults of this world.
A Friday afternoon stop at the Applebee’s restaurant turned into a drunken, terrifying ordeal for Taylor Dill-Reese when an innocent request for a kids meal resulted in the apple juice she chose being accidentally replaced with margarita. Dominic, her 15-month old son, was soon talking to the walls.
“He was saying “hi” and “bye” to the walls and he eventually lay his head down on the table.” said Mrs Dill-Reese.
http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/27486476/detail.html
Soon after the talking stopped Dominic refused to eat. Something was a-foot and not knowing where the strange behaviour stemmed from, Miss Dill-Reese tried her sons drink and was shocked to discover alcohol lurking within. Incensed, worried and angry she rushed her son off to hospital where his alcohol levels were recorded at .10. Enough to fail an adult breathalyser test. Doctors went on to add that if little Dominic had drank the whole drink, he could have died. Thankfully he made a complete and full recovery.
Ineptitude is rife. Do not let it enter your life. Be on guard; even when you think you are safe people will accidentally give your baby alcohol. We highlight this case because margaritas are not for children.
There are some things that the world could quite easily live without; certain things that, were they to vanish, nobody would blink. Places, people and objects that really have no place in this world or the next. Switzerland for example. Bono. Big Brother. Ships in bottles. Cucumbers. Rollerblades. Traffic wardens. Touching your nose with your tongue. Justin Bieber and now, breast milk flavoured ice-cream named after Lady Gaga.
A London restaurant, based in Covent Garden, has started selling ice-cream made from breast milk after mother Victoria Hiley responded to an advert placed in a local newspaper asking for volunteers to come forward and donate their milk. Ice-creamist founder, and presumed brains behind the operation, Matt O’Connor has great faith in his new invention, claiming that,
“noone’s done anything interesting with ice-cream in the last hundred years.” – www.bbc.co.uk/news
Really? Nobody has done anything interesting to eggs in the last hundred years but it doesn’t mean we have to fill them with breast milk. Come to think of it, nobody has done anything ‘interesting’ to a great many things in the last hundred years for the simple reason that nothing needs to be done. Bacon is perfect, it comes from a pig. Chocolate is perfect. Wine is perfect, it’s made from grapes, not pineapples; and ice- made with 4-legged animal milk – cream is perfect.
As reported by the BBC, the restaurant is proving pretty lac-ticious with the London hip crowd. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-12569011
We take the blame for this most pointless of culinary desert inventions.
Our ethos is simple, we are here to take the blame. Apparently we live in a blame culture; and in a blame culture there needs to be someone who you can turn to when there is nobody else who will shoulder your blame. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion, we are there for you. From the simple and the transparent – be it stubbing your toe or spilling your tea; waking up late for work or missing the bus – to the arduous, perplexing, intricate and convoluted – your dog died; you hate your boss; the IOC decided to oust you from your abode and build an Olympic sized Ice-rink in your back garden and erect an athletes village in your once pristine street-market turning a once thriving local community into a dull and bland advert for a hotch-potch amalgamation of too much glass, no class and student residents. We are there. Blame us.
Politics, science, philosophy, food, revolution, environment, education, celebrity, television, crime, animals, history, love, money, relationships, family, sport, technology, travel, war, weather, health, business, birthdays, parties, celebrations, drugs, employment, nature………….and breathe…………..cybercrime, nuclear energy, credit cards, pornography, computer games, graffitti, hollywood. Kitchen sink. There is blame.
If you have anything you want us to take the blame for. Tell us. Let us know. Post a link. Send a letter. And we will publish an apology, allowing you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the blame rests with us. Go on, don’t be shy.
Big and Proud and not to blame. Cakes. Cakes. Cakes
Obesity is officially no longer the individuals fault. The person eating all the food, doing no exercise, lazing in a rocking chair drinking Dr Pepper and guzzling down Doritos faster than an Olympic athlete injects nandroline is now no longer to blame. According to a “report” released into the wild today and compiled by over 250 experts , “individuals can no longer be held responsible for obesity“. Which implies before today they were to blame. In a stroke of genius they came up with a new word as well. Apparently we live in a “obesogenic” society. And a blameless one.
The fat scientists said that dramatic and comprehensive action was required to stop the majority of us becoming obese by 2050. Or as you and I put it. jogging. Joke aside though, can the blame really be taken from the individual? Is it not their fault any more? If we take away the personal, individual blame and place it, well, nowhere, then surely it employs people to do anything without any guilt, without any question and without consequence.
Is it a numbers game? at what point does the blame get taken from the individual? Its crazy talk to say that a fat person isn’t to blame for what they put inside themselves surely? If they are not to blame, then we here will take the blame. It is our fault that we are in the throws of an epidemic of biblical proportions. It is almost like been given carte blanche to be fat. When there is no more room in hell, the fat will walk the earth. And taketheblame will shoulder the burden.
So much has the blame been taken away from the individual in this crisis that highly intelligent doctors such as Susan Jebb of the medical research council said that “in this environment it is surprising that anyone is able to remain thin” ….??? What the…? Sorry, have we all lost our legs? Can we not move? expend energy? Make it illegal to be obese and watch the figures drop. Give fast food burger joints an age restriction. Over 18s only. There is a no smoking ban, bring in a no eating ban. Make the fat people stand outside. In the rain. People have to take responsibility for their weight, for their health.
What else did we learn? Well, it is inevitable. INEVITABLE!
Obesity is “an inevitable consequence of a society in which energy-dense and cheap foods, labour saving devices, motorised transport sedentary work were rife.” No, Its an inevitable consequence of eating too much and walking too little. Taking the blame from the individual is only going to exacerbate the problem.
Some statistics. By 2050
60% of men, 50% of women, and 26% of children and young people will be obese
Cases of type 2 diabetes will have risen by 70%
Cases of stroke will have risen by 30%
Cases of coronary heart disease will have risen by 20%
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