Whoever said romance was dead had obviously never met Jordan Cardella from Wisconsin. If they had, they would have discovered that romance is alive and well, living in northern America and shooting itself in the back with a Glock 9 in a vain attempt to win back the affections of the one it once called “girlfriend”. Jordan Cardella wanted his girlfriend back so badly; his heart ached so much; that he forwent flowers, chocolate and all the usual run-of-the-mill romantic gestures and went straight for the horns. Bull horns. In the shape of an automatic weapon. And all because the lady doesnt love Cadburys Milk Tray but because she loves a man with bullet holes in his back. Or at least, one must assume, Monsieur Cardella believed so.

All because the lady loves chocolate, not self-inflicted gun wounds.

After being dumped by his girlfriend, the inept decided that seeing him in hospital, in pain, was the only way to make her realise how much she missed him, how she couldn’t live without him and how much she wanted him back. He concocted a cock and bullshit story with his friend Anthony Woodall whereby he would be shot in what would look like a gang land drive-by. Seeing him in such a state, his girlfriend would instantly fall back in love with him. Easy. Romantic, is it not? Who needs chocolate when you have blood-soaked clothes over multiple gunshot wounds?

Well, job done if by job done you mean 2 years probation, 100 hours community service, complete and utter silence from the magical girl at the heart of this story and a, still, very single Jordan Cardella. Take The Blame™ would like to point the finger at some very obvious ineptitude.

Banned in Denmark on health grounds. The haters are happy and the lovers are livid.

Denmark has only gone and imposed a nationwide ban on Marmite. If you love Marmite, just let that little sentence sink in for a while…………….. And then thank the Lord above that you don’t live in Copenhagen where shops have already been ordered to withdraw stocks of the bizarre, alien substance from the shelves. We would like to take the blame™ for the poor souls whose only crimes are liking Marmite and living in Denmark and who will never again get to savour the sweet sweet taste of black salt paste on toast.

Marmite, with its rich vitamin b and added minerals, apparently breaks Danish food safety laws. The Danish government has to give permission for such rule breakers to be legally sold. Marmite failed the test. It isnt the first food product to be banned in Denmark, some breakfast cereals with huge amounts of chocolate have already seen the health guillotine behead their chocolate coated flakes. And, get this, Oval fucking tine. Yes, Ovaltine is banned in Denmark. What has Ovaltine ever done to upset anyone? Just ban hot milk.

Danger in a cup. This is a health hazard. Step away from the cup. Repeat, step away from the cup.

For the Europeans out there who have no idea what Marmite is and the kind of emotional response such a ban is going to cause, listen up. The British don’t get worked up about too many things but other nations banning national food products is certainly something to get irate about. Think the French British beef ban which nearly ended in renewed hostilities. There will be uproar in the press and protests in the street and a noticeable backlash on all things Danish. There aren’t too many things to choose from that would hit the Danes where it hurt but there is one thing. Their bacon. Expect a British ban to follow soon.

Just what is all the fuss about? The Marmite food company was formed in 1902 in the English town of Burton-upon-Trent. The location is important because Burton was also home to the biggest beer brewer of the time, Bass Brewery. Beer is important in the story of Marmite because without beer, there would be no Marmite. How does that work you ask? Marmite is a yeast extract product. You need yeast extract. Lots of yeast extract. And where do you get yeast in large quantities? yes, in a brewery. Although the complete recipe is a family secret, essentially to make Marmite, what you do is make lots of beer and then take all of the left over gunk that doesn’t get used in the Beer process, add some salt and minerals and, well, that’s it. Mouth-watering. If you want to eat beer residue. You should be able to.

Our ethos is simple, we are here to take the blame. Apparently we live in a blame culture; and in a blame culture there needs to be someone who you can turn to when there is nobody else who will shoulder your blame. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion, we are there for you. From the simple and the transparent – be it stubbing your toe or spilling your tea; waking up late for work or missing the bus – to the arduous, perplexing, intricate and convoluted – your dog died; you hate your boss; the IOC decided to oust you from your abode and build an Olympic sized Ice-rink in your back garden and erect an athletes village in your once pristine street-market turning a once thriving local community into a dull and bland advert for a hotch-potch amalgamation of too much glass, no class and student residents. We are there. Blame us.

Politics, science, philosophy, food, revolution, environment, education, celebrity, television, crime, animals, history, love, money, relationships, family, sport, technology, travel, war, weather, health, business, birthdays, parties, celebrations, drugs, employment, nature………….and breathe…………..cybercrime, nuclear energy, credit cards, pornography, computer games, graffitti, hollywood. Kitchen sink. There is blame.

If you have anything you want us to take the blame for. Tell us. Let us know. Post a link. Send a letter. And we will publish an apology, allowing you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the blame rests with us. Go on, don’t be shy.

Today is Valentine’s Day. At which point, over half the population groan. Obviously the exact figures are impossible to deduce but it is widely believed that at any one point in time around 54% of the human species is single and, well, hoping that February 15th can’t come a day too soon. And what of this lost majority that, year in year out, has to suffer the ignominy of not being able to participate in one of the biggest spending days of the year? This is not cynicism; we are not here to ridicule the happily connected. We are all for love and romance. Let them eat cake. This is just solidarity for the single people who will be spending the night watching Die Hard with the boys, or indeed, Love Actually with the girls. For eveybody who will be spending tonight alone, we are sorry and we take the blame.

Who originally started the love-in is open to debate but most indication points to a couple of early Christian martyrs, and one in-particular. During the reign of Emperor Claudius 2, around 240 a.d, Rome was getting it’s bloody hands dirty fighting battles with anyone who was willing to have ago and a good few who weren’t. During a particularly fiery time the Roman garrisons started to dwindle in numbers and canny Claudius put the diminishing inscription down to men wanting to stay at home with their wives and families (and nothing to do with them all being butchered on the battlefield. Hindsight’s a bitch). So he promptly cancelled and outlawed all engagements. Valentine, being a romantic at heart, took offence to this and married people on the sly. Obviously he was discovered, brutally murdered and had his body parts scattered all over Rome. How sweet. The date? (Today, February 14th, if you’re not following).

Enough of the soppy stuff. History lesson over. If Valentine’s Day were a country, what country would it be? Well, it would be somewhere between Libya and Sudan. In 2010 the GDP of a medium sized dictatorship was jettisoned overboard in search of sex romantic fulfillment. That’s $78 billion, or $200 for every person in the world. But this is nice; this is not a bad thing. Better $78 billion spent on chocolates and roses than oppression, civil war and gun trafficking. Romance is still alive and beating and making people happy and not a thing should stand in it’s path.

The problem – and that’s where we come in – is that so many people are excluded from the day. It would be like short people being excluded from Christmas or the blind from Easter (it’s ok, they can’t read this and there won’t be a braille version.) No other celebration excludes people on anything else but religious grounds. Halloween doesn’t actively pursue evil people at the expense of, smiley, bright ones. “You’re not allowed to participate in this day because your clothes are too colourful” is not the mantra. Lent doesn’t have a bias for fat people. Everyone is welcome to participate or abstain as they see fit. Valentines Day should be for everyone and it is for this, we take the blame.

******

People do inappropriate things for love. Sid killed Nancy in a hotel room, then himself with a heroin overdose. Burt Pugach had an affair, got dumped, hired some goons to throw acid in the face of the lady in question, went to prison for 14 years, got out and promptly married her. Lorenna Bobbit famously cut off her husbands man-hood with a carving knife and threw it in a corn field from a moving car 15 miles south of Memphis. Is this what you want? Don’t do anything crazy today, rest safe in the knowledge that we take the blame for your celibacy, tomorrow is another day, and you will save yourself $200.

Horrendous as the above photo is, there is no denying that such photos should be allowed to exist; taking photos on your wedding day is surely a liberty that even the most unphotogenic deserve. No? Perhaps not one of the great freedoms you would illicit from a lover of freedom but surely a right none the less. Alas, as the nanny state turns up the heat, these photos will no longer be allowed to grace coffee tables across the land as they are being outlawed by government killjoys. Photos of the happy bride and groom signing the register, the point in which they are actually recognised as husband and wife, are actually a threat to national security, a danger to the economy and a potential treasure trove for identity thieves.

The names and signatures of previous couples can be seen in any photograph taken and used in all manner of under hand, criminally insane activities. Using Photo-shop would-be paedophiles, terrorists, arms traffickers and drug mules could gleam the information and use it for their own demonic purposes. And so the Home Office had banned them. That the wedding register is a public document that can be viewed by anyone who cares to walk into the public domain is neither here-nor-there, or perhaps even over looked by the zealots responsible. Absurdity knows no limits.

As the fallout spreads, register offices throughout the land have been battling with their moral compass. Paranoia is creeping under the skin of Bury St Edmund’s registry office. Perhaps minutes before hiding under the table out of sheer fear, a spokesman commented on the ruling,

‘here’s confidential information listed in marriage entries and with photographic digital enhancement you might be able to see those details if a picture were taken‘.

Counter measures have been setup by fractioning registry offices to combat the absurdity of the draconian measure. The brains at Wolverhampton have come up with the cunning idea of using blank, dummy books in their photos, ensuring the privacy and future safety of all involved is maintained.

“our superintendent ensures you cannot take any photos of the actual book. If they want this particular picture we give them a blank book to stand over.”

As another part of our lives is washed away under a sea of government lunacy, Taketheblame would like to apologise to all those future happy couples who will, at best, have to pose with blank register books and more likely none at all.