“You know what thought did? It ran after a dust-cart, thought it was a milk-float” – anon

Neil Armstrong stood on his parents porch, looked up at the moon one cloudless evening in late autumn, the leaves having long begun their silent descent, and decided he was going to go and walk on it. He went. Martin Luther King tired of racial segregation and instilled in himself the belief that he could set in motion the end of racial injustice. He did. Seventh born of eleven children, Jesse Owens took it upon himself to be the greatest short distance athlete of a generation. He won 4 gold medals in Berlin in 1936, right under the racist noses of the Third Reich and re-wrote the history books. Rosa Parks sat down like no person has ever, and will ever do. Isambard Kingdom Brunel thought that building a steam ship to cross the Atlantic Ocean was well within his means, set about doing it and then built The Clifton Suspension Bridge as an after-thought. Timmy Mallet thought he should go on television and hit children over the head with a pink foam hammer. Sadly for a generation, procrastination was not one of his stronger traits.

Encyclopedia’s have been artfully crafted highlighting the deeds, words, inventions, ideas and actions of people for whom procrastination was a 4-letter word that should forever rot in the deepest darkest regions of Middlesbrough. Sadly for the other 99% of the free-speaking world, it is an ugly, unshakable hobbit, forever loitering over the shoulder, eager to ambush any ideas that spontaneously materialise and replace them with visions of grandeur. Anything, everything, something that should be done instead. We are taking the blame for all of the great ideas and inventions that have wilted and died at the hands of procrastination. We are taking the blame for your procrastination so you can release the shackles and go and do what it is you intended to do before mañana.

Time is ticking people. Tick tick tick. Procrastination cares little for that.

Psychologists on Wikipedia (Schraw, Pinard, Wadkins, and Olafson – to give them an identity) have proposed three criteria for a behavior to be classified as procrastination: it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying. So who hasn’t experienced that? If you have, if you are, or if you ever do, think about the people mentioned above. Think about them and their equals, for they are many, and take a leaf out of an old Nike advertising slogan. Just do it.

Online solitaire is great, that is not in doubt, but it won’t win you any nobel prizes and it sure won’t help you get that essay finished. Checking your emails for the umpteenth time this minute will not solve your debt crisis or get you laid. Another cup or tea will hydrate you but it won’t rise up out of the cup and write your CV or clean the house or book your holiday or call an old friend or finish that painting you promised yourself to finish. It won’t magically fix your car or explore the world, take you to the theatre, experience something new or learn you a language. Only you can do that and procrastination is the only thing standing in your way. And if you can’t shake it, we take the blame for it. Because nobody else will.

The Day after the latest End of the World date and we are still standing. Or are we all dead and this is indeed the Rapture?

Well that was a big anti-climax. The World didn’t end on the 21st May 2011 like it was forecast to do. There was no fire and brimstone. There wasn’t 5 continent destroying earthquakes all set up to cascade through the plate tectonics at 6pm local time like an advanced sprinkler system. The Tsunamis didn’t come, the avalanches stayed away and the swarms of locust held fire for another day. The Volcanoes kept their fiery stomachs under wraps and the biblical flooding, although on display in the Mississippi Delta, didn’t get out of hand worldwide. The sun kept shining and didn’t explode in a gargantuan fireball, evaporating everyone and everything in its path. The tornadoes, although destructive all spring, didn’t vortex the world away. The lucky few were not raptured up into space and the unlucky masses were not thrown into the fiery depths of Hell. The world did what it was supposed to and kept on beating. Hurrah for common sense.

In all of the prophecy and doom-mongering and through all of the predictions, everybody forgot about what was going to happen when the World didnt come to an end. Who was going to take the blame when peoples’ foreboding didn’t come true. Take the blame™ would like to take the blame for the end of the World (not happening).

This is the man responsible for the latest doomsday warning; Harold Camping. He is the self-proclaimed leader of the Church of Armageddon, or something like that. He seems to have a bee in his bonnet about something and insists on predicting the end of the world. He did the same thing back in 1994 only on a much smaller scale. They didn’t have the Internet back then so it was much more difficult to get to large amounts of people. Convincing the inept that the world is going to end is, was, and never will be difficult – there are a lot of stupid, gullible people – but getting the message out to enough people was the problem. Not this Judgement Day.

Part of Harold Campings prophecy was a Rapture.

Why May 21st you say? Well Mr Camping is pretty old and likes reading the bible. He has read it many times and must have seen a pattern. Using the power of mathematics and hidden code within the religious text he unlocked the end of the world. According to his calculator May 21st was to be 722,500 days from 1 April AD33, which he believes was the day of the Crucifixion. The figure of 722,500 is important because you get it by multiplying three holy numbers (five, 10 and 17) together twice. Pretty fucking vague. What if you multiply 6 by a carrot and add 3 months. That would be about as much use. Anyway. After coming up with the greatest mathematical feat of all time it was time for a publicity drive.

Fuelled by the coffers of his vast business empire Harold Camping set about publishing the end of the world like a dog on heat. 2000 billboards across America heralded the day. News media across the land picked up on his prophecies. Twitter went ballistic and before you know it there was a global Rapture party. Amongst the maelstrom of media interviews and newspaper articles there was still enough time to do what he loves best; radio broadcasting.

The Family Radio Network is a worldwide business that Mr Camping set up in the 1950s. It now boasts millions of listeners and is worth 120million dollars. It is this net worth, compiled through the generosity of listeners, that enabled Family Radio and Harold Manning to publicise his findings and brainwash unsuspecting followers. And followers he has. In the million. Just exactly what they are doing today, the morning after the night before is anyone’s guess. Probably recalculating and predicting the next end of the world party.

Our ethos is simple, we are here to take the blame. Apparently we live in a blame culture; and in a blame culture there needs to be someone who you can turn to when there is nobody else who will shoulder your blame. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion, we are there for you. From the simple and the transparent – be it stubbing your toe or spilling your tea; waking up late for work or missing the bus – to the arduous, perplexing, intricate and convoluted – your dog died; you hate your boss; the IOC decided to oust you from your abode and build an Olympic sized Ice-rink in your back garden and erect an athletes village in your once pristine street-market turning a once thriving local community into a dull and bland advert for a hotch-potch amalgamation of too much glass, no class and student residents. We are there. Blame us.

Politics, science, philosophy, food, revolution, environment, education, celebrity, television, crime, animals, history, love, money, relationships, family, sport, technology, travel, war, weather, health, business, birthdays, parties, celebrations, drugs, employment, nature………….and breathe…………..cybercrime, nuclear energy, credit cards, pornography, computer games, graffitti, hollywood. Kitchen sink. There is blame.

If you have anything you want us to take the blame for. Tell us. Let us know. Post a link. Send a letter. And we will publish an apology, allowing you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the blame rests with us. Go on, don’t be shy.

Frank Zapper certainly started something when he called his child Moon Unit. Whatever lysergic derivative flowing through his head at that time perhaps influenced his decision, what it didn’t do was cause the rush of blood to the countless others who have followed in his wake. Taketheblame would like to apologise to all the poor people out there who will never remain nameless due to the name they were given.

A Swedish couple have recently had a court ruling over turned allowing them to call their son Lego, after the famed plastic building blocks. This, as you can probably imagine is just the tip of the titanic shaped iceberg. Sticking with Sweden, for they seem as talented as most, Metallica, Ikea, Veranda and Elvis have all been put through the books in the last few years. In Swedish law it is actually forbidden to give offensive, unsuitable or in appropriate names to children. This didn’t stop a couple in 1996 naming their child Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, apparently pronounced Albin. Idiots. Not sure what the Swedish name police were doing that day.

Sweden has a rival though in the form of China, a country that doesn’t shy away from the damn right ludicrous and strange. There is a trend arising in the East for naming children not with names but with individual letters, symbols or bizarre combinations of words.  King Osrina, Zhao-A and the @ symbol have all been used recently. China does have some defence for its lunacy as only 129 names account for 87% of all surnames. In a country of over a billion, they are some figures to entice some name creativity.

The name game is every where and Taketheblame is taking responsibility for it. It needs to stop. But it wont because in Venezuela they have just lifted restrictions on name calling in fear of impeding human rights so you can go to Venezuela and call your child dodexihedroniclite if you are so inclined. Which brings us back around to rock stars, the biggest culprits of all.

So we take the blame and say sorry to Trixibell, Ugine, Lampstand, Eja, Skylor, Pickle, Blanket, Button, Apple, Grapefruit and myriad of others to hard to mention. May the bullies not get you and your parents millions protect you. Whatever happened to Jane and John and Mary?

The horrors of war will never be truly witnessed by those that do not actually fight. CNN and rolling news may go some way to portraying the violence and day-to-day occurrences, but they are viewed through a glass box and edited and controlled. The propaganda trail is as long as the bloody history it seeks to document. Books are a better way but word of mouth is the best. Not only can it document the horrors but also the niceties, and there are niceties in war however warped. One thing that there isn’t enough of in war is apologising. Perhaps it shows weakness in the eyes of the enemy, perhaps most are not sorry for the heinous crimes they commit. Governments do not apologise, armies do not apologise, commanding officers do not apologise. Have you ever heard anybody apologise for war? Bob Dylan sang about it, that was probably as close as we ever got.

In October of 1942 the defence ship SS City of Cairo left the port of Bombay and headed home to England, unescorted. Its route was to take it via Durban and Cape Town in South Africa and then Pernambucco in Brazil. During much of the voyage it would be sailing through occupied waters. German U-boats were patrolling. It was on the second leg, 2000 miles from Brazil when tradegy struck. U-68, captained by Karl-Friedrich Merten, struck the SS City of Cairo with a missile and the order to abandon ship was given. Unescorted and thousands of miles from land, any chance of survival was slim to none. After some 20 minutes, U-68 fired again and sank the SS Cairo. The story then takes on a different account.

U-68 surfaced and gave the survivors their location (2000 miles from Brazil, 1000 from Africa and 500 from the island of Helena). He then uttered one of the most famous apologies in memory and wished the survivors a good night. “Goodnight, and sorry for sinking you.” And he meant it. The survivors of SS City of Cairo were picked up some 2 weeks later near the island of Helena.

Read the full article of war bravery here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/ww2peopleswar/stories/77/a4440377.shtml

Why is all news bad? Just look at the rolling news channels, the millions of news sites on the Internet. The 9 o’clock news, the 10 o’clock news, even Newsround is just full of bad news. The news, or rather bad news, makes people sad, scared, angry and depressed.

There is a scene at the start of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre where the kids breakdown and as they sit on the side of the road pondering what to do the camera pans out and you can hear a fictitious radio news broadcast. It talks of civil unrest, murder, rape, stabbings, shootings, nuclear fallout, war, fighting in the streets, death, gloom and worldwide armageddon. Its a cunning ploy by director Tobe Hooper to set the disturbing, graphic scenes that follow against a world collapsing. The year was 1974 yet it could be a news bulletin from today.

Just a brief glance at any newspaper or news website today will tell you so. Ex kkk member goes to prison, woman dies after brutal attack, Gunmen and US forces clash in Iraq, more arrested in 11 year old slaying, soldiers die in friendly fire, Greece on fire, Kenyan politicians potentially steal billions, suicide bomber kills 2 near Kabul airport, Israeli freighter sinks, South Koreans in hostage situation, hurricane in Jamaica, fierce fighting in Congo, Brazil train crash, fighting in Darfur, North Indian clashes, Indian Maoist violence, Papua tensions. This is a snapshot gathered in seconds. It is like this everyday.

Maybe it is symbolic of bad news creating bad news. If you listen to sad music, you become sad. Perhaps good news would create good news. And by that string of thought, we blame the news media for the state of the country and the state of the world today. Its all good and well David Cameron blaming computer games for the evil deeds committed on the streets of England but that is just immature, weak, lameass propaganda. an excuse. If music and computer games are responsible now, in this country, what is responsible for the African subcontinent child armies? Grand Theft Auto?

10 years ago the news gladly waxed lyrical about how the UK was 10 years behind American gun culture. It appears their predictions are coming true. What should be happening is predictions of good. But until then, our apologies for all the bad news.

Why not go to www.goodnewsnetwork.org

It is nothing but good news.

We all like a good paradox. Well at least we do. Space is full of them. Scientists get multi-million dollar grants to research them. By their very definition though they don’t exist. People are paid to research something that they know before they start out doesn’t even exist. Well those crazy scientists have been at it again and this time they really have outdone themselves. One wonders how their brains actually allow them to sleep at night.

Reuters are reporting a giant hole in the universe. It is devoid of galaxies, stars, planets, meteorites and, god-forbid, even dark matter. It is a hole. There is nothing. They have measured it and found that it is a billion light years across. So its big. How they measured it they didn’t say, our guess is that it wasn’t with a ruler. Not easy to miss a billion light year hole you would think. But somebody missed it. I suppose it would be like a garage looking at your car and missing the fact that a wheel was missing.

“We already knew there was something different about this spot in the sky,” Lawrence Rudnick, professor at Minnesota University, said. “The region stood out as being colder in a survey of the Cosmic Microwave Background - the faint radio buzz left over from the Big Bang that gave birth to the Universe.” hhmmm..

What was different was a billion light year hole.

Is this the shape of the universe? A cube.

The story takes on a new mantle when you start to wonder about the actual plausibility of a hole. If the universe includes, well, everything - by its very definition it is all encompassing - then surely a hole isn’t a hole, its just part of the fabric that makes up space and time. Its not a hole then. Who changed the laws of physics?

In a statement, Lillya Williams, the highly esteemed colleague of Rudnick said, “What we’ve found is not normal.” we don’t know if that is good new or bad news but no-one is going to apologise for a big “hole” in the universe, they never do. So we will .

In one last act of sheer craziness. There are photos. Photos! of a hole, which doesn’t exist and if it did would be a hole and so nothing would be in it, near it, around it. Its a hole. How can you have a photo of nothing? Unless it isn’t actually a hole. And who took a photo of a billion light year hole? What kind of camera did they use?

You can view for yourself

www.nrao.edu/pr/2007/coldspot/graphics.shtml.

Our philosophy is simple, our motivation honest; We Apologise. We apologise and take the blame because no one else will. We will take anything that has ever wronged you, and write you an apology. We are sorry. Apparently we are in the grips of a so-called blame culture. Well we don’t know about you but we don’t see anybody taking the blame. We don’t see written, verbal or etched in sand apologies from the people on whose doorstep the blame should land. Put it on our doorstep then. And we will apologise to you.

It is amazing how much a simple apology means. How a simple “I am sorry”, “we are sorry” can brighten a day and more often than not, erase the problem. For we are forgiving creatures. But we are also stubborn and will hold a grudge when no apology is forthcoming. That will now change.

The last time you were spurned by a lover, ejected from a pub, riptoffed by a garage, over charged by a cinema. The last time your football team lost, your cricket team capitulated, your rugby team wimped out. The last time your car parking place was used by the work experience, the last time your bike got a puncture on the way home. The last time it rained or the last time you were mugged. The last time you phoned your bank and you put on hold in India and all you wanted was a balance. The last time your holiday was cancelled, your train was late, your subway ticket got lost in a drain. The last time your dealer ran out, you missed the bus or the kids across the street shouted abuse at you. The last time your friend didn’t call back, the animal you most love became extinct. You have no money, you have no motivation, You hate your computer. We, from the deepest, most honest depths of our heart, apologise. We will take the blame, because no one else will.

Our promise to you