Back in the 7th Century, when the Chinese were harassed by evil spirits, dastardly ghosts and were afflicted by all things spooky and without explanation, they blew the hell out of them with the precursor to what we know today as fireworks. In reality they were probably little more than bamboo firecrackers that made a loud bang, but they did the trick. No more evil spirits and China now sits on the edge of World domination. Coincidence? Probably not.

The Chinese did for fireworks what the French did for cheese. And neither of them belong in coffee machines

Initially the “devil sticks”, as they were probably known by the local busybodies, caused little of a stir outside of the Occult. That is until some Chinese military men put one and two together and started blowing people up. By the 14th century the Chinese had a missile weapons system that would make the feeble arsenals of many-a-crackpot modern day dictator green with envy. Whilst Guy Fawkes’s parents were little more than an embryo, the Chinese were rocking the gunpowder and firework plot for all it was worth. What were they packing? According to the Huolongjing, a Chinese book of war which was written during the Ming dynasty (1368-1649) and roughly translated in English as Firedrake Manual - or the worlds first online bomb making guide – it was a fucking firestorm.

So the Chinese Ming got all of this from a pretty little firework. What about stateside? Fast forward 600 years to modern day Colorado. Durango, Colorado. Enter Sean Michael Odgen, no dragon. He put fireworks into a coffee grinder in a lame attempt to make a bigger firework. The ensuing blast shook the neighbours house and left Mr. Odgen with some serious burns. And this is why The Chinese will de-throne America; because whilst the Chinese took the little firework and created the worlds most advanced, deadly and yet beautiful military machine ever assembled, the Americans put them in a coffee grinder.

Put fireworks in here if you are inept.

People are rude. We all know that. Every day city dwellers are forced to put up with one incident after another of pure, unadulterated, wreck-less rudeness. It is time that something out there changed; it’s time that someone took a big hot poker and instilled some manners in the masses. If it has to be forcefully injected, then so be it. Sometimes subtlety doesn’t work and the only course of action is to actively remonstrate and then use violence. Rudeness be gone.

Levels of rudeness vary. At the root level there is the door phenomenon. The single, easiest act of politeness that can be bestowed on a person by another is to hold a door. Obviously society moves too fast for grandiose manifestations of door holding. Gone are the days of chivalry where a single person could wait an entire episode of casualty for someone to arrive so they could hold the door for them. But when entering a shop it is polite to glance behind, weigh up the distance between the next person and the door and make a mathematically sound judgement on whether or not the door should be held. And then hold it. People don’t anymore and we would like to take the blame for it. Not only are doors not held but they are, at times, slammed in your face. If this has happened to you. Sorry.

There are acts of physical politeness which have died and there are lyrical ones. A please. A thankyou. A you’re welcome. An excuse me. A sorry. The politeness that used to ring out across shop floors, cinema gangways and car parking through-fares has been replaced by a chorus of expletives; the language of the garden has been replaced by the curse words of a filthy, rude accumulation of discourteous cretins. We want the politeness back. If you have suffered at the hands of such behaviour, we apologise. If you feel you missed a few simple words of gratitude in response to something you said or did; if they were never forthcoming, we take the blame.

Little old grannies have earned the right to sit down on a bus if they so wish. Goddamn it, even if they don’t so wish. They should be forced to sit down and take the weight off of their 80-year old legs. That could mean that you have to move your over-weight, levi-glad derriere and let your legs take your weight. If it does, do it. For all the senior citizens who have been forced to stand because a disrespectful youth, most probably listening to insanely bad r n’ b through phone speakers, didn’t even entertain the idea of giving your their seat. We take the blame.

Stolen car park spaces. Small nods or a wave when a car lets you out. Keeping right on the escalator. Not jumping in queues. The small things that are so easy to cure should not be clouding your day. We apologise for the rudeness.

Our ethos is simple, we are here to take the blame. Apparently we live in a blame culture; and in a blame culture there needs to be someone who you can turn to when there is nobody else who will shoulder your blame. Whatever the reason, whatever the occasion, we are there for you. From the simple and the transparent – be it stubbing your toe or spilling your tea; waking up late for work or missing the bus – to the arduous, perplexing, intricate and convoluted – your dog died; you hate your boss; the IOC decided to oust you from your abode and build an Olympic sized Ice-rink in your back garden and erect an athletes village in your once pristine street-market turning a once thriving local community into a dull and bland advert for a hotch-potch amalgamation of too much glass, no class and student residents. We are there. Blame us.

Politics, science, philosophy, food, revolution, environment, education, celebrity, television, crime, animals, history, love, money, relationships, family, sport, technology, travel, war, weather, health, business, birthdays, parties, celebrations, drugs, employment, nature………….and breathe…………..cybercrime, nuclear energy, credit cards, pornography, computer games, graffitti, hollywood. Kitchen sink. There is blame.

If you have anything you want us to take the blame for. Tell us. Let us know. Post a link. Send a letter. And we will publish an apology, allowing you to sleep soundly, safe in the knowledge that the blame rests with us. Go on, don’t be shy.

As the most widely spoken language in the world – and yes, before the Chinese contingent jump on board heckling obscenities and crying like banshees that the jewel of the Oriental languages is more spoken, it is not -  it isn’t  half difficult to learn. Of the worlds 3000 (ish) documented languages, English is the most vivid and yet sadly is the most populated with, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, over 500 000 words and as many again in the form of scientific and technical jargon, making any attempt to master the language nigh on impossible. It would be a lot easier if, as the Eskimos, there was one word for 3956 different meanings. That way you would never say the wrong thing. And we have all said the wrong thing at one time or another.

If Bill gates and the Googleplex ever had a love-in and exchanged some data, swapped some ideas and had a chat about information then they might well check their data-banks. If they did they would find that some 80% of all the knowledge and data stored on their secret underground mega-stores is in English. That’s right, 80%. It is both fortunate that all of the worlds knowledge and secrets are stored on an indestructible hard disk somewhere in the Mojave desert and unfortunate that when future generations have to read it or dig it out in order to reconstruct the planet after some megalomaniac dictator blew it to pieces, they will have to do so in a thick Geordie accent.

Quite how English came to be so all powerful is something that we will leave to the scholars as they are probably the same people who made it so complicated in the first place. Quite why a language has to have 37 different tenses to describe 3 time periods is something only the very enlightened know. A past, present and future exist for us all; 3 simple spheres of time. Only in English time has been distorted in a way that Einstein proved impossible some 50 odd years ago. His views and thesis on time, the speed of light and its relativity to the global gravitational pull of a billion orbiting galaxies never took the post perfect future continuous passive relative tense clause into consideration. A tense that clearly proves that time travel is possible and happening right now in every English classroom in 1967, 1987, 2345 and 607, simultaneously. Only the past perfect future passive voice is contesting this via the laws of physics and a English paradox has prevailed.

This is to apologise to every citizen of the world who has to learn English. It is for the countless romantic languages that will die out in the not to distant future as English seeks global domination. However powerful China becomes, its language will not follow suit, it will be English that the global markets talk in. Americans (who luckily for them, speak a kind of butchered English by birth) find the Chinese language with its multiple alphabets simply too complicated to learn. No-one will ever take the blame for English robbing the world of languages barely spoken, so we will.

The Latest security services top secret intelligence information on the Al-Qaeda terrorist network gathered by potentially the greatest intelligence gathering network in the world, featuring star players from Mi5, 6, 7 and a whole underground network of secret agencies that would leave the X-files cast druelling, has been left on a train on the Waterloo line outside Surrey. The Intelligence dossier, like a sketch from a bad Bugs Bunny cartoon, had TOP SECRET emblazoned across it. Although not disclosed it probably had do not open and do not show to terrorists scribed on it also. It’s quite ironic that the good Samaritan who found the dossier on the train had the good foresight to hand it to the BBC, who themselves are very well versed in losing things (read about the 36 million which they lost recently below).

The sensitive documents contained vital information on the situation in Iraq and the latest information from the joint Intelligence committee on Al-Qa’eda. That such highly classified information could be left on a train in an envelope is ineptitude of the highest order. It is a potential threat to national security apart from anything else. Needless ineptitude is putting peoples lives at risk. Besides, what is an envelope containing the most up to date terrorist information doing on a train in the first place? Homework? Surely such information should be kept in a vault or on a futuristic set of data disks, not printed from an HP laserjet onto some office A4. Someone needs to take the blame. But who?

The report on Iraq was commissioned by the Ministry of Defence and the one on al-Qaeda was commissioned jointly by the Foreign Office and the Home Office. Well Des Browne as the Defence Secretary should shoulder the blame along with Foreign secretary David Milliband and Home secretary Jacqui Smith? Well obviously that is not going to happen is it; high ranking officials are not going to take responsibility themselves. Instead they will find a scape-goat, and so it was that last night a suspect was being suspended and questioned on the breach of security in Westminster.

Sadly it is not the first time that sensitive information has been leaked from high governmental sources. It usually involves inept people leaving it on the seat in a train and it usually then finds its way to the BBC via an honest member of the public. British rail could do better than hiring a squat team of folder hunters to keep vidual on the trains leaving London.

Shadow Security Minister, Baroness Pauline Neville-Jones, said on the matter.

“This is just the latest in a long line of serious breaches of security involving either the loss of data, documents or Government lap tops, further highlighting the most basic failures in this Government’s ability to maintain our security. The Government must make an immediate statement to Parliament and an inquiry must be launched.” Taketheblame could not have said it better.

Last year saw two disks containing the details of some 25 million child benefit claimants were lost, before that the loss of 3 million learner driver details and who knows how many more?

Frank Zapper certainly started something when he called his child Moon Unit. Whatever lysergic derivative flowing through his head at that time perhaps influenced his decision, what it didn’t do was cause the rush of blood to the countless others who have followed in his wake. Taketheblame would like to apologise to all the poor people out there who will never remain nameless due to the name they were given.

A Swedish couple have recently had a court ruling over turned allowing them to call their son Lego, after the famed plastic building blocks. This, as you can probably imagine is just the tip of the titanic shaped iceberg. Sticking with Sweden, for they seem as talented as most, Metallica, Ikea, Veranda and Elvis have all been put through the books in the last few years. In Swedish law it is actually forbidden to give offensive, unsuitable or in appropriate names to children. This didn’t stop a couple in 1996 naming their child Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, apparently pronounced Albin. Idiots. Not sure what the Swedish name police were doing that day.

Sweden has a rival though in the form of China, a country that doesn’t shy away from the damn right ludicrous and strange. There is a trend arising in the East for naming children not with names but with individual letters, symbols or bizarre combinations of words.  King Osrina, Zhao-A and the @ symbol have all been used recently. China does have some defence for its lunacy as only 129 names account for 87% of all surnames. In a country of over a billion, they are some figures to entice some name creativity.

The name game is every where and Taketheblame is taking responsibility for it. It needs to stop. But it wont because in Venezuela they have just lifted restrictions on name calling in fear of impeding human rights so you can go to Venezuela and call your child dodexihedroniclite if you are so inclined. Which brings us back around to rock stars, the biggest culprits of all.

So we take the blame and say sorry to Trixibell, Ugine, Lampstand, Eja, Skylor, Pickle, Blanket, Button, Apple, Grapefruit and myriad of others to hard to mention. May the bullies not get you and your parents millions protect you. Whatever happened to Jane and John and Mary?

America and Russia have long been at loggerheads with each other, nothing new there. Every now and again their huge political and PR juggernauts try and convince a skeptical world that their relationship is not how it used to be, that the Cold War is a distant memory and political channels are clearer than they ever used to be; that diplomats merrily lunch together on opposite sides of the Atlantic, tea in Moscow, dinner in Philadelphia and a nice chat on nuclear war over brunch in Washington. Papers cite “friendship and mutual admiration”. Gone are the days of mutually assured destruction. No mention of the NKVD, espionage and counter-intelligence, Laventry Beria or The KGB.

That in October 1962 these two great nations came close to blowing up the world is neither here nor there, just two old friends falling out over one too many ales. Of course this is completement faux and they are still blaming and cursing each other for every misdemeanour under the sun. The US is still permanently ribbing the former Soviet superpower with tales of a new Star Wars project it probably actually finished years ago, in Poland. Russia is blaming America for global warming, the spread of terrorism, Internet fraud, Iran, Iraq, Chechnya and China’s continuing stampede to the top. (Whoever the new president is, perhaps there main focus is to prolong this inevitability as long as possible? – ed). No, there is no love and the blame game is stilll very active.

Just this week Russian president Dmitry Medvedev blamed America for the blossoming global financial crisis and in a encouraging bout of modesty, said that Russia, especially Moscow’s growing financial clout, could be the solution. We at Taketheblame like it, a combination of blame and cure. President Medvedev told the St Petersburg Economic Forum that,

“Failure by the biggest financial firms in the world to adequately take risk into account, coupled with the aggressive financial policies of the biggest economy in the world, have led not only to corporate losses but most people in the world are poorer.”

Comparing the current crisis to that of the 1930s, President Medvedev also said that, “No matter how big the American market and no matter how strong the American financial system, they are incapable of substituting for global commodity and financial markets“.

A stinging attack and blame pointing at its best. We love it.

Currently basking in its 10th year of economic growth due mainly to it’s soaring cost of its oil and gas exports, the president suggested that investment by cash-rich Russian companies abroad, promotion of Moscow as a major financial centre and use of the rouble as a reserve currency were part of the answer to the current financial problem that Russia wholeheartedly blames America for.

Who said Taketheblame wasn’t revolutionary? Who said we could’nt be held responsible for things on a grandiose scale? Well, in an unprecedented move, not seen since OJ didn’t take the blame, we are holding our hands, arms and feet up and taking the blame for things that haven’t even happened yet. That’s right. We are taking the blame for the future. For absurdities, wrong doings and plain mentalisms that are yet to occur, but probably will.

Say goodbye Sainsburys

The year is 2234, Google and Tesco are the only two companies in the world. Anyone who works in any sector, in any country in any dialect works for one or the other. Self-employment died out with the Saudis in the last throws of rebellion some 80 years ago when Tesco finally took over the last remaining oil field and with it, sole right to sell petrol on Tesco forecourts throughout the entire world. The last remaining farmers on the African sub-continent finally gave up the right to their own land and their own produce 50 years prior and the Europeans barely got out of the 21st Century. Western Europe didnt. With petroleum and food finally conquered, for the time being they can rest on their laurels. It was, in hindsight, always going to be the two most sort after products that caused the most trouble. The vast Alaskan, South American and Antarctic oil fields found in the early 22nd century have enough oil to last well into the 27th century. Enticing every farmer on the face of the planet to produce food solely for the blue and white of Tesco proved to be trickier than fixing a lightbulb. With an estimated 657 million small holdings and farms in the early 20th century, that is a lot of compensation. How they did it, I for one don’t want to know, I like my hands and face as they are. Broadcasting it would only end my life prematurely. Use your imagination. There are only Tesco shops and they sell everything. everything.

Google, after the bloodbath with Microsoft that resulted in the loss of so many, has control of the airwaves – it was discovered in 2007 that the “white noise” in the “space” between traditional “analogue” “channels” could be used by Google and their microscopic engineers to build unfathomable ways and means to transport information on a truly spectacular scale. The advertising revenue was such that the dollar became obsolete and the “Google” soon became the only currency in the world. Banks collapsed, countries capitulated, Jerry Springer became popular again as myriad of billionaires needed a channel to vent their spleen. The people loved it as there was nothing better than watching a broke former-billionaire cry on TV. So all information, economies, wealth, knowledge and media is under their control. This about covers everything.

Taketheblame would like to apologise to the people of the next millennium. We are truly sorry. It is our fault.

The horrors of war will never be truly witnessed by those that do not actually fight. CNN and rolling news may go some way to portraying the violence and day-to-day occurrences, but they are viewed through a glass box and edited and controlled. The propaganda trail is as long as the bloody history it seeks to document. Books are a better way but word of mouth is the best. Not only can it document the horrors but also the niceties, and there are niceties in war however warped. One thing that there isn’t enough of in war is apologising. Perhaps it shows weakness in the eyes of the enemy, perhaps most are not sorry for the heinous crimes they commit. Governments do not apologise, armies do not apologise, commanding officers do not apologise. Have you ever heard anybody apologise for war? Bob Dylan sang about it, that was probably as close as we ever got.

In October of 1942 the defence ship SS City of Cairo left the port of Bombay and headed home to England, unescorted. Its route was to take it via Durban and Cape Town in South Africa and then Pernambucco in Brazil. During much of the voyage it would be sailing through occupied waters. German U-boats were patrolling. It was on the second leg, 2000 miles from Brazil when tradegy struck. U-68, captained by Karl-Friedrich Merten, struck the SS City of Cairo with a missile and the order to abandon ship was given. Unescorted and thousands of miles from land, any chance of survival was slim to none. After some 20 minutes, U-68 fired again and sank the SS Cairo. The story then takes on a different account.

U-68 surfaced and gave the survivors their location (2000 miles from Brazil, 1000 from Africa and 500 from the island of Helena). He then uttered one of the most famous apologies in memory and wished the survivors a good night. “Goodnight, and sorry for sinking you.” And he meant it. The survivors of SS City of Cairo were picked up some 2 weeks later near the island of Helena.

Read the full article of war bravery here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/ww2peopleswar/stories/77/a4440377.shtml

Why is all news bad? Just look at the rolling news channels, the millions of news sites on the Internet. The 9 o’clock news, the 10 o’clock news, even Newsround is just full of bad news. The news, or rather bad news, makes people sad, scared, angry and depressed.

There is a scene at the start of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre where the kids breakdown and as they sit on the side of the road pondering what to do the camera pans out and you can hear a fictitious radio news broadcast. It talks of civil unrest, murder, rape, stabbings, shootings, nuclear fallout, war, fighting in the streets, death, gloom and worldwide armageddon. Its a cunning ploy by director Tobe Hooper to set the disturbing, graphic scenes that follow against a world collapsing. The year was 1974 yet it could be a news bulletin from today.

Just a brief glance at any newspaper or news website today will tell you so. Ex kkk member goes to prison, woman dies after brutal attack, Gunmen and US forces clash in Iraq, more arrested in 11 year old slaying, soldiers die in friendly fire, Greece on fire, Kenyan politicians potentially steal billions, suicide bomber kills 2 near Kabul airport, Israeli freighter sinks, South Koreans in hostage situation, hurricane in Jamaica, fierce fighting in Congo, Brazil train crash, fighting in Darfur, North Indian clashes, Indian Maoist violence, Papua tensions. This is a snapshot gathered in seconds. It is like this everyday.

Maybe it is symbolic of bad news creating bad news. If you listen to sad music, you become sad. Perhaps good news would create good news. And by that string of thought, we blame the news media for the state of the country and the state of the world today. Its all good and well David Cameron blaming computer games for the evil deeds committed on the streets of England but that is just immature, weak, lameass propaganda. an excuse. If music and computer games are responsible now, in this country, what is responsible for the African subcontinent child armies? Grand Theft Auto?

10 years ago the news gladly waxed lyrical about how the UK was 10 years behind American gun culture. It appears their predictions are coming true. What should be happening is predictions of good. But until then, our apologies for all the bad news.

Why not go to www.goodnewsnetwork.org

It is nothing but good news.

By April 2009 we will have 28 days holiday a year and companies will not be entitled to use bank holidays in that figure. That equates to over one full month of doing nothing every year. This is not enough. And apart from anything else, why has it taken so long to be introduced and why is it being staggered over two years? Do they think that the extra free time, if it is brought in in one big go will result in global economic breakdown? Social turmoil perhaps? Are they so reluctant to give extra holiday and bring the UK more into line with Europe that now the unions have got there way, the government are, like a child who doesnt want to give his ball back, being petty?

In France, where they are only allowed to work 6 hours a week by law, they have more bank holidays than we do. Why such an injustice? Why such inequality? It is not just France. Spain, Italy, Holland, Albania and all the other Eurovision entrants have, on average, three more bank holidays every year than us Brits.

We have no England day, unlike every nation on earth we are not allowed to celebrate this. Unlike the Americans, we have no bank holiday on the 11/11 to remember the dead of tragic wars.

For all the extra days you have to work, we apologise.