The ineptitude has begun

Just. Where. Do. You. Begin? That title is correct. Not only did 10,000 more people than can fit inside the aquatic centre apply for tickets to watch synchronised swimming at the 2012 London Olympics, but they actually got allocated tickets, only for the organising London Olympic tickets distribution monkeys to telephone the poor unfortunates to inform them that inepts had been running the ticket allocation machine and that there weren’t any tickets after all. Welcome to part 1 of what will surely be a very expensive experiment into Olympic organisation ineptitude.

The London Olympic ticket distribution system is one of two things, depending on who you believe. Either it is a fluid, mathmatically perfect, exceptionally accurate, 7th wonder of the ticket allocation world, or, it is a big fat pile of biased, coporate mollycoddling crap. If you believe the 50% of the fee paying public who will be lucky enough to sit behind a pillar and watch the blind-folded syncronised dog sledge events, then its the later. If you believe the pampered corporate 75% who will be watching the good events and didnt even need to join the lucky dip for tickets, then its the former. Join an orderly queue.

For those who don’t know how the Olympic ticket allocation system works, Harvard business school is running a 4-year course on theoretical mathematics. Essentially what you have to do is – over the course of 2 gauntlet running draws – is put in an “order” for a sum total of tickets – the higher the bid, the higher the mathematical chances of getting a ticket – and then wait to see what you get. As you have to put in an “order” for an amount which could be anywhere between 10 and a billion pounds, you run the risk of getting all of your tickets granted, and thus having to pay out thousands, or none. Or, synchronised swimming. But at least you can be part of the biggest sporting event to hit London since.. well… ever. Or can you? No you cant. Because in an exceptional piece of ineptitude which is already being covered up with “ah, but you will now get a ticket for another event” excuses, the ticket allocation system can’t even count.

10,000 extra tickets available for this

According to a spokesman in conversation with the BBC

“As a result of finalising the seating configurations in our venues and reconciling the millions of Olympic and Paralympic ticket orders against the seating plans for around 1,000 sporting sessions, we have discovered an error in seats available in four synchronised swimming sessions…. In December we contacted around 3,000 customers who had applied for tickets in the four sessions during the second round sales process. We are exchanging their synchronised swimming tickets for tickets in other sports that they originally applied for.”

So 10,000 too many tickets were sold. Why?  ”a human data error”. Thats good old-fashioned ineptitude to thee and me.

Tickets? what tickets?

The futures bright. Hopefully not mushroom cloud orange.

In February 2005 Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez accused America of entertaining ideas of political assasination whilst he himself was entertaining the Venezuelan people with his weekly radio and TV show. Now, 7 years on, he has upped the ante and brought nuclear war into the equation by blaming the United States for possible nuclear war in the Middle East.

Once again using his weekly TV and radio broadcasts he has pointed his big chubby finger at the United States, accusing them of inciting War, and this time there could be reason to his madness. Tensions between Tehran and the West have been increasing by the hour as more evidence of Iran’s determination to produce its own nuclear arsenal unsettles the (extremely temperamental) status quo. Only last week the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) released a report on the Iranian nuclear program highlighting its fears and concerns about the military connotations of its program.

“The Agency has serious concerns regarding possible military dimensions to Iran’s nuclear programme….. (The IAEA encourages Iran) to engage substantively with the agency without delay for the purpose of providing clarifications regarding possible military dimensions to Iran’s nuclear program.” Worrying.  The report in its entirety is available here.

So there is concern in the West that The Republic of Iran is gearing up for weapons capabilities. What that capability represents in terms of stability in the Middle East is a hornets nest, and a nest that Hugo Chavez believes the Americans are going to possibly eradicate with a big red button. To make matters worse the rhetoric coming out of Tehran is not exactly passive. Ahmadinejad is not known for bowing to pressure. During last years rounds of political pressure and sanctions he had this to say.

“They know that there is a sleeping lion in Iran which is waking up and if she wakes up all the relationships in the world will change. Their (The West) pathetic acts show they know what a great human power is hidden in Iran.”

With Iran being provocative in its flaunting of increased nuclear capabilities and The United States adamant on preventing nuclear proliferation proliferating further, then perhaps Chavez, although delusional with his cries of nuclear war, is not so far off the mark with his war prediction. Britain has already stepped up its military plans for Iranian (specific, nuclear targets) attack by examining where best to deploy Royal Navy ships and tomahawk laden submarines. And then there is America and Israel.

Whether Israel has the capabilities to destroy the nuclear facilities of Iran sufficiently enough to put back the nuclear program, or indeed stop it all together or not, talk of attack is already advanced. As recently as early November the Israeli cabinet was discussing attacks on Iranian facilities in the immediate future; a strategy that has been met with both support (by Iranian Prime minister and Defence secretary Binyamin Netanyahu and Ehud Barak respectively) and opposition. Any attack from Israel would be, as Iran has often stated, see retaliation against America.

And what of America? With an election looming and a population, for all their patriotism, which must be growing tired of war after war – four and counting – Americas current administration must fear another invasion, and that’s without even bringing the cost of war during a possible double dip recession into question. The population would be against it, parts of Capital Hill would be against it, the battle weary would be against it and with every escalation of war, the stakes are rising. Should Iran be invaded then the outcome is earth shattering. China and Russia have been supplying weapons for years and China is Irans biggest buyer of Oil, indeed most of China’s imported oil comes from Iran. So whose side are they on? For any security council sanctions to come to fruition then full council support is needed. With China and Russia holding vetos, there is… oh, about Fat Chance of anything coming to pass there.

Should Iran get the bomb then The West could see a cataclysmic shift in oil distribution from the Middle East, especially, as many commentators point out, the real victims of Iran obtaining fully functional nuclear weapons would not be Israel but Iran’s other close neighbours: UAE, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia. The picture is bleak. But not as bleak as the one below.

Alledged American military prescence. Iran is surrounded.

A quango is not  a soft drink; it is not a South American dictator, nor indeed an Amazonian reptile. It is not a colour and it is not a pretentious name for a pretentious bar. In fact, it is an acronym for quasi-autonomous non-governmental organisation and is pretty much as interesting as it sounds. Don’t all rush at once. The term first appeared in the late 1960s but it wasn’t until the doom-laden 80s that they really took off, popping into existence as often as the french transport system goes on strike.

This is a Kumquat. Not a Quango. A Quango is not a Kumquat and a Kumquat is not a Quango. Kapisch?

What does one do in a Quango? God knows. Essentially they are tax payer ran, non governmental organisations which regulate behaviour, carry out public services, give advice, offer consultation and, oh yeah, spend lots of money on things which have no connection with anything the Quango was originally created to do, palming off weak excuses to the very public who fund the strange named organisations in the first place.

OK, not all Quangos are so reckless in their ineptitude, but some are, and since we are here to highlight the ineptitude which oozes through the very fabric of society, let us begin. Step forward the Police Quango on Efficiency. Just swill that around your mouth before you continue. Efficiency. Such a lovely word. Efficient. Efficient what? Spending? OK, a police Quango on efficient spending. How to spend efficiently. Have you mulled it over enough?

So when you are set up to streamline police spending, to make police spending efficient, where do you begin? How about a karaoke machine? How about sexy lingerie? How about a trip to Edinburgh fucking zoo? How about… Bowling? Ten pin bowling. Yes, lets go ten pin bowling on a police spending Quango. Because that is exactly how you streamline police spending. You go ten pin bowling. Strike 1 to ineptitude.

Over the course of two years a police Quango spent over 2 million of your hard earned pounds on shit. On stuff you might spend a bank holiday Monday doing or a Friday night wining and dining the missus or trying to get into the pants of another. The National Policing Improvement Agency, your ineptitude is special. According to their website, they are,

The NPIA provides critical national services to support frontline policing. It helps the police to save money, operate more efficiently and enables us all to live in a safer society.

“We help the police save money”. Credit cards dished out to 150 members of the Improvement agency staff resulted in a hefty €20 000 average spent by each over the 2 years between 2008 and 2010, according to credit card statements, available to public viewing under freedom of information acts. As well as all of the aforementioned DIY garbage, the Quango also bought…….. golf trips, flowers, duck rides (WTF!), hotels, restaurants, lawnmowers…. need we go on?

Excuses given matched the audacity of the spending and include criminal set design for trainees as reason for buying the lingerie; the grass needed cutting and we all like ten pin fucking bowling. Gross mismanagement. Reckless, frivolous unnecessary spending by the inept. Take The Blame would like to point the finger and take the blame for other people spending your money on things you cant afford to buy.

Footballers, politicians and bankers. Don’t you just hate them? Lying, thieving, adulterating, insidious, scheming, clandestine manipulators of the modern world. Or maybe they just get a bad press? Either way, it doesn’t help public adoration when they are seen to be above the law and recipients of special treatment that the common man would never be able to acquire. Say, for example, being allowed onto the flight deck of a Virgin Atlantic plane.

Some people, well, they just have a face, something about it...you know?

Passengers in the cockpit is something that, after September 11th, became most definitely a “dont do this, we have given the pilot a gun, if you go in the cockpit, he will shoot you” kind of deal. It is illegal in British skies (Department of Justice spokersman: “Passengers are not permitted in the cockpit while the engines are running. The rules apply to all UK-registered planes and to any plane operating in UK airspace.”). So what about if we up the stakes and put the Prime Minister of Britain on the same said plane? Surely it is even more illegal? How about the Trade Minister and the International Development Secretary? Even though it is a charter flight flying to England from Africa so David Cameron can re-open Parliament to discuss some other news related abuses of power by modern day wankers public hate figures, why not board some tourists? Then lets put Barclay’s Chief Executive Bob Diamond in the cockpit. Hell, why not. Then why not get some wet-behind-the ears flight attendant to joke that the 95 million pound banker is landing the Boeing 747 commercial jet-liner?

Because this is exactly what happened as David Cameron flew back to England last week in the wake of the phone hacking scandal rocking Rupert Murdoch and the News Corporation empire. Why he was on a plane with the chief of Barclay’s bank is not disclosed. Probably just coincidence.

Having been invited onto the flight deck as the Virgin plane approached the UK, Bob Diamond was, according to a flight attendant who informed the ignorant passengers comfortably seated in rows A through Z, soon the pilot of an “exemplary landing”. This claim was later denied by both Barclays and Virgin. The later released a statement to say the head of Barclays and the banker with a pornstar name (Bob Diamond. Come on) was in the so-called jump seat and was not in control of the plane as it touched down.

Taketheblame™ would like to apologise and take the blame for this show of ineptitude. From the airline and pilot that allowed him on the deck; for the flight attendant who couldn’t help but make crap jokes and most of all, for bankers being above the law.

In a great piece of logistical and geographical planning, the Government Department of International Development (DfiD) has two offices; one in London and one in East Kilbride, Scotland. A nice clean round trip of 800 miles. In the first 6 months of 2010 a handful of government officials – who incidentally haven’t been named – bought 404 first class tickets for the 6-hour journey clocking up £48, 337 in ticket sales on route. Being government officials and obviously too good to sit in the horrendous cattle stalls out back, they charged the tickets to you, the tax payer (Telegraph politics for more). They are too good to sit with you but they are not too good to spend your money on Virgin wine and the nice table lamps that first class offers up. They also had the luxury of drinking their coffee from real china cups, not those plastic monstrosities.

A standard ticket – according to the www.thetrainline.com – between London Euston and East Kilbride costs £114.90. A first class tickets knocks the counter up to £436. What exactly do you get for 4-times the price, apart from the aforementioned table lamp and wine? Maybe it’s quieter? Perhaps the officials who had to make the journey preferred the colour scheme up in first class? The wi-fi reception is better? Whatever it is that made the upgrade so necessary 404 times, cost nearly £50.000 that wasn’t theirs. Is there a feeling of such overpowering hubris that drives politician after politician to abuse their position and travel through life at a station above their calling? Is the seat so much more comfortable, the view so much clearer, the air so much more breathable that taking the 8.15am to East Kilbride is, without doubt, a first class affair for these men? If you want to travel in a bigger seat politicians, pay for it yourself.

What makes the arrogance even more difficult to stomach is that some ministers had ignored travel requests imposed at the same time. Indeed, in May of 2010, Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell actually banned first class travel after taking office (we like him. We don’t like that it took so long for such an obvious ban to be imposed.) His demands obviously fell on some deaf ears.

We would like to take the blame for fat men taking advantage of their positions and having a free lunch on you.

Horrendous as the above photo is, there is no denying that such photos should be allowed to exist; taking photos on your wedding day is surely a liberty that even the most unphotogenic deserve. No? Perhaps not one of the great freedoms you would illicit from a lover of freedom but surely a right none the less. Alas, as the nanny state turns up the heat, these photos will no longer be allowed to grace coffee tables across the land as they are being outlawed by government killjoys. Photos of the happy bride and groom signing the register, the point in which they are actually recognised as husband and wife, are actually a threat to national security, a danger to the economy and a potential treasure trove for identity thieves.

The names and signatures of previous couples can be seen in any photograph taken and used in all manner of under hand, criminally insane activities. Using Photo-shop would-be paedophiles, terrorists, arms traffickers and drug mules could gleam the information and use it for their own demonic purposes. And so the Home Office had banned them. That the wedding register is a public document that can be viewed by anyone who cares to walk into the public domain is neither here-nor-there, or perhaps even over looked by the zealots responsible. Absurdity knows no limits.

As the fallout spreads, register offices throughout the land have been battling with their moral compass. Paranoia is creeping under the skin of Bury St Edmund’s registry office. Perhaps minutes before hiding under the table out of sheer fear, a spokesman commented on the ruling,

‘here’s confidential information listed in marriage entries and with photographic digital enhancement you might be able to see those details if a picture were taken‘.

Counter measures have been setup by fractioning registry offices to combat the absurdity of the draconian measure. The brains at Wolverhampton have come up with the cunning idea of using blank, dummy books in their photos, ensuring the privacy and future safety of all involved is maintained.

“our superintendent ensures you cannot take any photos of the actual book. If they want this particular picture we give them a blank book to stand over.”

As another part of our lives is washed away under a sea of government lunacy, Taketheblame would like to apologise to all those future happy couples who will, at best, have to pose with blank register books and more likely none at all.

The Latest security services top secret intelligence information on the Al-Qaeda terrorist network gathered by potentially the greatest intelligence gathering network in the world, featuring star players from Mi5, 6, 7 and a whole underground network of secret agencies that would leave the X-files cast druelling, has been left on a train on the Waterloo line outside Surrey. The Intelligence dossier, like a sketch from a bad Bugs Bunny cartoon, had TOP SECRET emblazoned across it. Although not disclosed it probably had do not open and do not show to terrorists scribed on it also. It’s quite ironic that the good Samaritan who found the dossier on the train had the good foresight to hand it to the BBC, who themselves are very well versed in losing things (read about the 36 million which they lost recently below).

The sensitive documents contained vital information on the situation in Iraq and the latest information from the joint Intelligence committee on Al-Qa’eda. That such highly classified information could be left on a train in an envelope is ineptitude of the highest order. It is a potential threat to national security apart from anything else. Needless ineptitude is putting peoples lives at risk. Besides, what is an envelope containing the most up to date terrorist information doing on a train in the first place? Homework? Surely such information should be kept in a vault or on a futuristic set of data disks, not printed from an HP laserjet onto some office A4. Someone needs to take the blame. But who?

The report on Iraq was commissioned by the Ministry of Defence and the one on al-Qaeda was commissioned jointly by the Foreign Office and the Home Office. Well Des Browne as the Defence Secretary should shoulder the blame along with Foreign secretary David Milliband and Home secretary Jacqui Smith? Well obviously that is not going to happen is it; high ranking officials are not going to take responsibility themselves. Instead they will find a scape-goat, and so it was that last night a suspect was being suspended and questioned on the breach of security in Westminster.

Sadly it is not the first time that sensitive information has been leaked from high governmental sources. It usually involves inept people leaving it on the seat in a train and it usually then finds its way to the BBC via an honest member of the public. British rail could do better than hiring a squat team of folder hunters to keep vidual on the trains leaving London.

Shadow Security Minister, Baroness Pauline Neville-Jones, said on the matter.

“This is just the latest in a long line of serious breaches of security involving either the loss of data, documents or Government lap tops, further highlighting the most basic failures in this Government’s ability to maintain our security. The Government must make an immediate statement to Parliament and an inquiry must be launched.” Taketheblame could not have said it better.

Last year saw two disks containing the details of some 25 million child benefit claimants were lost, before that the loss of 3 million learner driver details and who knows how many more?